Guate-Hollah! Part 1

Black sand beaches - so pretty, yet so sinister...

Black sand beaches – so pretty, yet so sinister…

 

GUATEMALA — a tropical, picturesque, adventure-filled destination — is what Costa Rica used to be. As in Cheap. Because the tourist hordes haven’t discovered it yet, Guatemala remains affordable. The Central American country, bordering southern Mexico, is still a spot where $100 can get budget-minded travelers their own bungalow and all meals for a day, with money left over for a turtle race (yes, a turtle race – and no, while some were molested, none had their throats slit).

At least all this is true in Monterrico – a town famous for its never-ending volcanic black-sand beaches, azure blue waters and a relaxed atmosphere. After the jump, molested turtles, six year olds driving four wheelers, Hulk Hogan’s illegitimate brother, and a seriously hungover Barbie:

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The Night of The Tortured Turtles (Or: How To Make Organic Viagra)

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

During my trip to Hanoi, I got along so well with my guide Lan and my driver Thang that they invited me to Thang’s anniversary – and I (obviously) said HELL YES! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Okay, these are the guys who took me to a brothel and introduced me to the hangover cure, so maybe I had a small clue, but damn, was I not ready for this mixology lesson.

The party was at a multi-floor restaurant 20 minutes away from my Hotel. It was the same crowd as the day before – except this time everyone brought their wives and children. The main entertainment was the torture of the turtles.  Two restaurant employees brought out a bucket of the doomed reptiles. While one held the wriggling body, the other employee took out a sharp menacing knife, grabbed the turtles’ heads and slit their necks – collecting the blood in a large glass while the dying turtle gave me the hairy eye ball [ed note: can’t say I blame him, but what was I gonna do?]. Minutes later a waitress took a hypodermic needle and extracted all the green bile-y goodness from the dying reptiles’ gall bladders. It was like watching the Coconut Tree Prison display come to life, with reptile stand ins for the mannequins.

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