The Night of The Tortured Turtles (Or: How To Make Organic Viagra)

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

During my trip to Hanoi, I got along so well with my guide Lan and my driver Thang that they invited me to Thang’s anniversary – and I (obviously) said HELL YES! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Okay, these are the guys who took me to a brothel and introduced me to the hangover cure, so maybe I had a small clue, but damn, was I not ready for this mixology lesson.

The party was at a multi-floor restaurant 20 minutes away from my Hotel. It was the same crowd as the day before – except this time everyone brought their wives and children. The main entertainment was the torture of the turtles.  Two restaurant employees brought out a bucket of the doomed reptiles. While one held the wriggling body, the other employee took out a sharp menacing knife, grabbed the turtles’ heads and slit their necks – collecting the blood in a large glass while the dying turtle gave me the hairy eye ball [ed note: can’t say I blame him, but what was I gonna do?]. Minutes later a waitress took a hypodermic needle and extracted all the green bile-y goodness from the dying reptiles’ gall bladders. It was like watching the Coconut Tree Prison display come to life, with reptile stand ins for the mannequins.

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The Only Hangover Cure That Has Ever Worked: The Vietnamese Alka Seltzer. You’re Welcome.

No, it's not a condom. It's the best damn hangover cure in the universe.

No, it’s not a condom. It’s the best damn hangover cure in the universe.

In my past life I went out for a living – as in out. Every night. All night. While it was fun and all, the mornings were not. Thus, about ten years ago, I started the quest to find the ultimate hangover cure. I worked at a company with many Australians who naturally suggested Berocca. Which, frankly, sucked. As in – didn’t work. Here’s a list of what else I’ve tried over the years which didn’t work:

  • A variety of “organic” hangover cure pills which vitamin companies tried to shill every year.
  • Alka Seltzer before going to bed and in the morning (okay, fine… it made me feel marginally better).
  • The hair of the dog (not to be done if you have to be at work the next day).
  • Greasy ham and egg sandwich followed by a V-8 and half a bottle of Visine (in the eyes, not the mouth).
  • Drinking a gallon of water before going to bed (which results in five trips to the bathroom that night, thus ensuring a fully interrupted sleep).

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Ho Chi Minh’s Tomb: So Strict Yet So Chic.

Chilling with my pal Theano outside of Uncle Ho's tomb

Chilling with my pal Theano outside of Uncle Ho’s tomb

The Vietnamese do not fuck around when it comes to their beloved Ho Chi Minh. The line to see the Dear Leader’s body lying in state in a glass coffin inside his tomb is almost always a mile long, but it moves at a pretty good clip despite the many checkpoints. As I waited, a woman in a long navy blue uniform and a severe bob observed visitors through a glinty, eagle eye. I passed muster. The French woman behind me wearing a skirt that fell just above her knee did not.

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