Category Archives: South America

You Know What Would’ve Been Really Cool? If There’d Been a Miss Universe Contest Circa 1782

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Oh Heeeyyyyyyyyy….

Throughout history, women have always had things done to them to make them “beautiful.” Nowadays,  we pluck, wax, shave, inject, and silicon bag ourselves all so we can be pretty. But the saddest part is, due to globalisation, everyone kind of looks the same.

When traveling and visiting historical sites or archaeological digs, you quickly start to realize that that chick to the left in the  Santa suit would’ve been passed over by pretty much every guy on the planet a few hundred years ago. Back in the day, before airplanes and all that, beauty was pretty subjective and every region had it’s own idea of what was hot. Most of which we’d find pretty hideously fascinating today.

Take for example the Mayans. Now they used to think women with flat foreheads, crossed eyes and razor sharp, piranha like teeth were the shizznit. So, according to my guide in Chichicastenanga (Guatemala), when Mayan girls were very young, boards would be tied to their heads with a bead hanging from it (so the eyes would be trained to cross) and their teeth were filed to sharp points to look like Jaws. Don’t even get me started on what their talent would be… I have no clue. But the imagination boggles – biting through trees? Severing chicken heads? Pillaging neighboring Incan villages?

Hello, gorgeous…

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The Trek Through The Cocaine Hills To La Ciudad Perdida: Bugs, Mud And A Sharting Mule

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The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

While I do love traveling alone – sometimes you have to join a small group of randoms you don’t know. Which I actually find fun – you learn how to deal with other people, how to behave yourself and hear some really funny things. I joined a group in Colombia when I decided to do the trek to La Ciudad Perdida – an archaeological site of an ancient city in Sierra Nevada, Colombia. It is believed to have been founded about 800 AD, some 650 years earlier than Machu Picchu. Ciudad Perdida consists of a series of 169 terraces carved into the mountainside, a net of tiled roads and several small circular plazas. The entrance can only be accessed by a climb up some 1,200 stone steps through dense jungle. And the entrance can only be accessed by a three day hike up 90 degree sloped jungled hills across rivers, over two inch ledges and some seriously shaky slat bridges. But there was the promise of an added bonus: A Real Live Cocaine Factory. (Note: I do not do drugs, but I do do effed up experiences like checking out how these things worked).

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Use It Or Lose It: Awesome Last Minute Vacations

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It’s that time of the year – where you have to use your vacation days or lose them – and why lose them? WHY? You worked your butt off all year and deserve a break. Besides, with this weather we’re having, you might just go crazy if you don’t skip off somewhere. Consider this a Public Service Announcement…. Broad style!

Because it’s last minute, I’m thinking cheap, fun and NO STAY-CATIONS! Especially not when it’s snowy out. Unless you live by a ski resort.

After the jump, the best last minute deals:

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Former Miami Correctional Institute Residents Make the Best Guides In Colombia

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DSCN0193Former Miami Correctional Institute inmate number 26623-069 was convicted in 2000 for narco-trafficking when his fishing boat was found off the coast of Puerto Rico with “a lot” of marijuana and cocaine on board. In February 2007, he was released from the United States penal system and put on a direct flight back to his homeland, Colombia – where he eventually wound up in Santa Marta, the Colombian Riviera – and birthplace of Colombia’s narco-trafficking. Probably not the smoothest move for a man claiming to be set on reform.

At around five feet, nine inches, Juan looks back on his time in Miami with nostalgia. “I learned English (in prison) and got my GED. They treated me better than my mother – they fed me three meals a day, gave me clean clothes and counted me like a diamond every night.”

Once a foot soldier in the narco-trafficking that defines Colombia’s history, Juan swears he’s now straight, interested only in tourism – the Colombian government’s new tactic in winning the drug wars – but that doesn’t explain the bullet scar below his left shoulder he got just ten months ago or the more recent scar that runs from his sternum down past his navel.

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My 2014 Bucket List

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Lake in MongoliaNo, I haven’t been everywhere… and some places I don’t go to because I’m a conscientious objector (Zimbabwe and Uganda, anyone?)… but I can still dream. And plan. Because dictators, xenophobia, and me being broke wont last forever! Besides – what better way to spend a slow, freezing Saturday than to dream about unending travel possibilities? That, and I think there’s something really good about writing down your dreams. It makes them come true faster. I swear.  And so, I present to you my dream list of places to go (and why).

1. Mongolia (above): there is just something so poetically lonely in this landscape… It sounds lame to say, but it calls to me. And I’ve always wanted to see the famous wild horse races…

2. The Tsukiji Fish Market, Tokyo: Ok, fine – Tokyo too. And Kyoto. But, as I’ve mentioned before, I cant scuba dive… and I have a thing for fish markets. And this one is supposed to be the best in the world. Besides, who doesn’t love Toro right out of the ocean at 3 am?

yummy

yummy

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Forget Sochi: Have Your Own Private Olympics (with Video!)

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Photo courtesy of Atos.

Photo courtesy of Atos International.

There’s so many reasons not to bother with the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia this year.  Let’s count them, shall we?

1. The virulent anti-homophobia that has gripped Russia courtesy of Vladimir Putin (despite the most watched winter sports being dominated by the gays. I’m not here to out anyone but if a dude has custom ice skates on and and a matching lycra outfit, there’s a pretty safe bet to be placed that he won’t be sidling up to any Playboy parties anytime soon).

2. THERE’S NO HOTEL ROOMS – even for the people (media) who let Russian officials know they’d be coming, oh, A YEAR ago. From USA Today:

A stray dog inside the hotel, building dust everywhere and debris scattered all around. That’s what some Olympic-accredited visitors have found on arrival in the mountains above Sochi.According to the Sochi Olympic organizing committee, only six of the nine media hotels in the mountain area are fully operational. The accommodation for athletes, however, has not been affected by the problems.

3. This lady and all her bomb-happy pals – there are apparently, more than five – who are really, really angry at Putin and have threatened to blow some (read: any) shizz up. Oh yeah – and she made it through security.

Run if you see this woman.

4. And let’s not forget the fact that NBC, in an attempt to corral ad dollars into prime time, doesn’t like to run the Olympics live, so by the time you watch the main events they are already on the interwebs and the events the network deems unworthy (like mine and Putins favorite, rhythmic gymnastics) they don’t bother to show at all.

So, my duckies, I present an alternative for you – Chile. In August, all the Olympics skiers train their butts off at Valle Nevado (home of the aforementioned Man Stew) and Portillo ski resorts. Where you can watch Olympians do their things without crowds or bombers… and then party with them later that night.

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Lost In Translation: The Best of The Worst Signs In The World

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Warning: you may lose your head on the train to Morretes, Brazil.

Warning: you may lose your head on the train to Morretes, Brazil.

You have no idea how many times I’ve walked through a random street in some random section of the world and tried to figure out just what the local government is trying to tell me.

Don’t take a picture of rats? [Fine].

Don’t stick your head in the fire? [Yep. Figured that out].

Wild Monkeys may eat my hat? [I didn’t really like it much anyway].

Don’t feed the volcano? [Considering volcanoes historically only eat virgins, I don’t qualify].

You learn so much about a place from its signs. Mali has an AIDS problem; Colombia is more concerned with drugs;  Egypt apparently has a huge sex trafficking issue… and everyone is concerned with where and how you poop.

So, for your viewing pleasure, after the jump I offer some of the best signs I’ve found all over the world…

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Brazil: Home Of The Worst [read: Best] Trinkets Ever.

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I can't get enough of this - the reverse Romulus and Remus painting. This little guy went on to build the wolf version of Rome.

I can’t get enough of this – the reverse Romulus and Remus painting I found in Morretes, Brazil. This little guy (on the left) went on to build the wolf version of Rome.

Everyone knows I love a good market. I even pack collapsible bags on my trips for countries [Laos, Vietnam, Iraq, Guatemala] that have really good markets where I can pick up things to either decorate my apartment or give out as gifts. So, it was with high hopes that I went to Brazil – specifically Iguazu, Morretes and Curitiba.

I had visions of the indigenous market at Chichicastanenga in Guatemala or the night market in Luang Prabang, Laos… I was so wrong. So, so very wrong.

While I didn’t end up buying anything, I did photograph the wares on offer for your viewing pleasure.

Side note: the only reason I didn’t buy every single one of these mementos is because I live in a tiny Soho apartment. In my fantasy world, I have an apartment that is so big I have an entire room dedicated to awesomely bad art. Until then, I only have the pictures. Sad face.

Behold, some awesomely bad art/weird tchotchkes and so much more (including a wooden dildo) after the jump :

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Eating An Alien Lung At Santiago’s Mercado Centrale

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I love a food market, especially a fish market. Fun fact: After 8 surgeries on my ears as a child, my auditory orifices are shot so I can’t go diving. Even if I could, being from Ohio and Kentucky, every time I go snorkeling far from the shore I hear the “Jaws” theme pumping in my head. So, yeah. No scuba masks for me. Instead,  I go diving by visiting fish markets. Which suits me just fine – that way I can actually touch the fish and check them out without having them swim away or, you know, bite me. Added bonus: Dry Diving means I also don’t have to worry about a bikini wedgie or that weird rash you get from a wet suit.

Yummy. I swear.

I haven’t been to my dream fish market in Tokyo yet, but the one in Sydney Fish Market was pretty insane – with almost everything in the ocean available to poke, prod and squeeze.

So I was pretty stoked to find the fish market in the Mercado Central in Santiago, Chile. My guide, Fanor (velascofanor@hotmail.com), even introduced me to a new sea specimen I hadn’t even heard of: Piure.

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How To Survive High Altitudes (With Bonus Video!)

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Coca leaves, I looove you!

Coca leaves, I looove you!

I’m usually good up in the mountains – okay fine, there may be a bout or fifteen with HAF*, but nothing a few GasX won’t cure – but holy hell was I not prepared for what was about to happen in Peru or Chile.

High Altitude Sickness kicked in the first time for me in Peru. I was in Cusco at the market – not the big tourist one but the one waaaaay down the hill where the locals go – haggling my ass off over some alpaca skins when suddenly I wanted to die. As in crawl in the ground and call it a day. I got nauseous, light headed, dizzy and blacked out thinking, “THIS is how it’s gonna go down? Here?” I woke up to the guy I was haggling with standing over me and shoving what looked like bay leaves in my mouth.

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