The Night of The Tortured Turtles (Or: How To Make Organic Viagra)

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

During my trip to Hanoi, I got along so well with my guide Lan and my driver Thang that they invited me to Thang’s anniversary – and I (obviously) said HELL YES! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Okay, these are the guys who took me to a brothel and introduced me to the hangover cure, so maybe I had a small clue, but damn, was I not ready for this mixology lesson.

The party was at a multi-floor restaurant 20 minutes away from my Hotel. It was the same crowd as the day before – except this time everyone brought their wives and children. The main entertainment was the torture of the turtles.  Two restaurant employees brought out a bucket of the doomed reptiles. While one held the wriggling body, the other employee took out a sharp menacing knife, grabbed the turtles’ heads and slit their necks – collecting the blood in a large glass while the dying turtle gave me the hairy eye ball [ed note: can’t say I blame him, but what was I gonna do?]. Minutes later a waitress took a hypodermic needle and extracted all the green bile-y goodness from the dying reptiles’ gall bladders. It was like watching the Coconut Tree Prison display come to life, with reptile stand ins for the mannequins.

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Eating An Alien Lung At Santiago’s Mercado Centrale

I love a food market, especially a fish market. Fun fact: After 8 surgeries on my ears as a child, my auditory orifices are shot so I can’t go diving. Even if I could, being from Ohio and Kentucky, every time I go snorkeling far from the shore I hear the “Jaws” theme pumping in my head. So, yeah. No scuba masks for me. Instead,  I go diving by visiting fish markets. Which suits me just fine – that way I can actually touch the fish and check them out without having them swim away or, you know, bite me. Added bonus: Dry Diving means I also don’t have to worry about a bikini wedgie or that weird rash you get from a wet suit.

Yummy. I swear.

I haven’t been to my dream fish market in Tokyo yet, but the one in Sydney Fish Market was pretty insane – with almost everything in the ocean available to poke, prod and squeeze.

So I was pretty stoked to find the fish market in the Mercado Central in Santiago, Chile. My guide, Fanor (velascofanor@hotmail.com), even introduced me to a new sea specimen I hadn’t even heard of: Piure.

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The Most Important Difference Between North And South Vietnam

Dinner. Photo courtesy of Martin Brandt.

Dinner, Hanoi. Photo courtesy of Martin Brandt.

Fun fact: the Vietnamese are practically American in their view of one another above or below the 17th parallel – their Mason Dixon Line. It’s the typical grudge match between the Vanquished and the Victor. “People in the South are lazy. They just want to party,” Northerners will say. “People in the North are too uptight and strict,” the Southerners will say.

There are also more subtle differences.

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World Traveler and Now… Chef!

Dinner for two!

Dinner for two!

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A close up of my masterpiece

Fun Fact: I grew up in Ohio and Kentucky – a landlocked area. Okay, fine, there was the Ohio River but nobody’s eaten anything out of there for at least 100 years. Hell, I don’t think anything has actually lived in there for 75.

The point being, I’ve always been a meat and potatoes kind of girl, especially as I grew up in a time when there was no such thing as “flash freezing” and fish in Cincinnati grocery stores were just… nasty. But. 2014 is a year for trying new things  and broadening my horizons (in between flying off to amazing places) so I faced my biggest kitchen fear and decided to cook some damn fish.

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