Tag Archives: baghdad

How To (Accidentally) Look Like A Hooker In Iraq

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Spot the problems...

Spot the problems…

Fun fact: there are three major problems with this photo – and two minor ones (which you can’t see). So there I was, in Baghdad, feeling all sorts of appropriately dressed in my Jil Sander for Uniqlo dress. I mean, come one – look at it. It’s black, long, and when I saw it on the rack I immediately thought, “Oooooh, perfect for Iraq!” and “Burkha chic has come to the States, who knew?” It’s not like I was gonna buy it for a hot NYC summer except to possibly throw it over my head in the morning to walk the dog. After all, it was semi shapeless and although it was really comfy and made of thin (yet not see through) cotton, it made me look like I could be pregnant. Which, if I was pregnant, that’d be okay. BUT I’M NOT.

So, I thought yeah – Iraq. Awesome. It’s roomy, will breathe, and adheres to strict Muslim dictates, right? Wrong.

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The Hottest Party In Baghdad [Read: I’m Too Hungover To Post Words Today. Don’t Judge. The Superbowl’s In Town]

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It’s one of those days (don’t judge – the Superbowl has come to NYC and I’m off to the Miami Heat/NYC New York Knicks game tonight).

The Italian troops partying at the Italian embassy in Baghdad.

The Italian troops partying at the Italian embassy in Baghdad.

So. yeah. There’s no partying per se in Baghdad (except for that one club, but that’s a story for another time). So what’s an expat gonna do when he/she just needs to let off some steam?
The best time in Baghdad is found at the Italian embassy – which every Friday and Saturday used to (and presumably still does because really, not much has changed) host parties in the back yard which consisted of booze, bars and a bunch of Italian paratrooopers busting their shirts off and getting on the bar to shake their stuff. I think the “HOLY CRAP IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!” look on the blonde lady’s face says it all. And, just because I really love you all, after the jump, the rear view:

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Oh, So THIS Is What ET Looks like: Proof Of Ancient Aliens In Baghdad

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It's 5,000 years old. And proof of ETs.

It’s 6,000 years old. And proof of ETs.

I found this guy, let’s call him Xorx, on some pottery in the National Museum of Iraq. Due to some looting and the place being a general mess, the jar was marked “4000 – 6,000 BC” and they left it at that. Now, I know that artwork back then wasn’t exactly realistic but, seriously, WTF? They drew what they knew – and this does not look human. I don’t care what your Uncle Bubba says.

But, it makes sense – think about it: Iraq is the birthplace of the Old Testament – The Garden Of Eden (Basra), The Ziggurat of Ur (Hello, alien architecture!), Babylon, etc. etc. – and how the heck did humans all of a sudden learn how to build all these things? Aliens, that’s how!

Let’s look a closely at Xorx. Large bulging eyes: Check. Weird wiggly arms: Check. No Hair: Check. More than five fingers (or is that less?): Check. No lips: Check; Weird elongated body: Check. Therefore, Xorx is an alien.

Okay, fine. I’m not nuts. Nor am I a faithful watcher of the (new) History Channel. I’m just saying there’s some weird, unexplained art in the National Museum of Iraq in Baghdad.

After the jump, more extraterrestrial art – If this shizz ain’t proof of aliens, I don’t know what is:

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