I wrote this on my birthday – but it’s pretty spot on for New Years (I consider my birthday to be a quasi New Year)…
It’s a big old piece on why I spend my birthday alone every year – by design. Would love your thoughts on it.
Chilling in Nicaragua and having the time of my life
It started a few years ago. I was turning 40 — a big birthday for those who care — and some friends were planning a dinner, a party, or … something. And at first I was fine with that, excited even. Unlike others, I’ve always kind of liked getting older and have had a true, firm belief that life for me would start at 40, as opposed to the common misperception that once you get gray hair, it’s over. But then I started thinking … and, as per usual when I think too much, got less excited.
“I know just exactly what is going to happen,” I thought. “It will be a large party — I won’t get to really speak to anyone, I will be supremely stressed about not being able to greet people properly and whether or not they are having a good time, I will drink too much, and I will end up at home with (my dog) Karl.” And just like that, I wasn’t all that excited about my birthday anymore.
And then I thought, “Hold up — let’s start the second half of your life the way you want to finish it. What have you always wanted to do but never done?” And immediately I thought of the pyramids. So, in a fit of pique I did it.
This is what 40 looks like — happy.
At the time, I did a Tumblr post noting, “So, the stress of planning my birthday party finally got to me. I freaked out and booked ticket to#Cairo. I’m giving myself the pyramids for my birthday.”
At the Citadel of Saladin in Cairo with new friends.
And it was marvelous, so much so that, despite being looked at like a freak by a few fellow travelers (“You’re here for your birthday … alone?”), I wrote all about it:
Related: The Top 10 Reasons You Should go to Egypt Right Now
I’m not alone in my love of solitude — even on occasions that are supposedly meant to be shared with others. According to the Wall Street Journal, “More vacationers are choosing to go alone, leaving significant others and friends behind,” adding that “most U.S. solo travelers say the purpose of their trip is to ‘relax and get away from it all,’ according to a recent survey of 4,115 travelers conducted by Hilton Worldwide.”
Meanwhile, in a similar story (written a few months earlier than the WSJ piece), the New York Times noted, “Some 24 percent of people traveled alone on their most recent overseas leisure vacation, up from 15 percent in 2013, according to the 2015 Visa Global Travel Intentions Study.” Even more interesting, “Among first-time travelers, solo travel is even more popular, jumping to 37 percent, up from 16 percent in 2013. And while the stereotypical solo traveler has traditionally been single and looking, a solo traveler these days is just as likely, if not more likely, to be married or in a committed relationship.”
Gail Wasserman, senior vice president for public affairs at American Express, went to Kyoto, Japan, for her 50th birthday earlier this year, alone, despite being married.
“Although I’m happily married, I wanted to travel alone to Kyoto to experience the freedom that comes from doing whatever I wanted, with an itinerary that catered to my interests and allowed me to change my mind on a whim —without any thoughts of compromise or judgment about being ‘selfish,’” Wasserman told me.
“My birthday trip taught me several things: I found my aesthetic spiritual home in the wabi-sabi ethic that appreciates the ‘beauty of things imperfect.’ It reaffirmed my love of gardens and the restorative effect they have on me —especially when I visit them alone.
“But the best surprise awaited me when I got home and my wife, Ilene, greeted me with a ‘Welcome Home Gail’ sign that featured little maps of Japan and the U.S. I felt such gratitude for having both roots and wings. And it deepened my appreciation for the freedom I enjoy — to travel solo while a loving partner misses me and patiently awaits my return.”
Related: I Have Faith: The Quest for the Perfect Travel Partner
This year, I took off again for Mexico. A friend had invited me to Mexico City to catch the Formula One race and the James Bond premiere. Extra bonus: I was to stay at the Four Seasons, one of the highest-ranked luxury hotels in the world. Even if I’d never traveled solo before, how the heck are you going to turn that down?
Cake, champagne, and balloons were waiting for me in my room in Mexico City.
I arrived and there was a bottle of Dom Perignon in my room along with a birthday cake surrounded by balloons and flower arrangements. That evening I had drinks at the El Bar prepared by master mixologist Mica Rousseau before heading to Martha Ortiz’s famed Dulce Patria for dinner.
My birthday is one day before Halloween and three before the Day of the Dead, so I put on my best goth lips and some leather pants and rocked out.
Guacamole with fried crickets is delicious. Who knew?
The next day I rambled around the Museo Soumaya — billionaire Carlos Slim’s gift to the people of Mexico, which houses a portion of his artwork — looking at Rodin sculptures and works by Dali, Miro, Modigliani, Picasso, Frans Hals, and Michelangelo as well as a handful of artworks I’ve only ever read about and never expected to see in person.
A helicopter (!) ride for my birthday… #livingsomeawesomepersonslife.
Then, of course, there was the Formula One race, and for some magical reason, I had met a friend of a friend who invited me on his helicopter rather than taking the subway or getting stuck in traffic. I’m serious when I say I’m not sure this birthday could have been any more magical, and I would never have had such a great time if I hadn’t gone alone.
But even with the balloons, the champagne, the beautiful food and cocktails, and the marvelous chocolate cake I will dream about for years, the best of the birthday was actually the few hours I had alone in my room to think. To reflect. To dream and plan. And to take stock of the past year — of “mistakes” made, of triumphs and accomplishments, of friendships lost and found, of my family and the changes in all our lives. And I cherish it. Because, to me, I always want to start the new year the way I plan to live it: boldly, bravely, and with a hot second of solitude for reflection.
Related: 9 Life Lessons I Learned by Ditching My Career and Traveling the World
So when someone looks at me askance and (undoubtedly with some pity) says, “Oh, you’re spending your birthday … alone?” I always laugh and say, “By design. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I also love to travel alone. When I was younger, I hated doing anything alone. I’d hear people say they went to the movies or a restaurant alone and think, how could they do that. But I thought I’d try it and went to the movies alone. It was enlightening. I had been to Bermuda a few times before. I thought I’d try it alone. Wow. Did I have a good time. Doing what I wanted when I wanted. Now I go to St. Thomas and spend all my time at the beaches. Doing things alone made me a stronger, more confident person. So I totally understand what you are saying.
Love your stuff. I’m 72, a world traveler, female. As I read your posts, I’m gathering strength to maybe travel alone sometime in the future. I do wonder though, at my age, about any untoward health events ( I broke my ankle badly in Myanmar 5 years ago) and how I would take care of myself, especially not speaking the language, etc. Helaine
Helaine, I am in awe of you … most places have decent health care (theres a world class hospital in Siem Reap, Cambodia – who knew? or thailand) and with a little research and the right travel insurance it should be ok – dont let your fears stop you. Now, go! and keep me updated!
This wonderful post could have only applied to me at age 21, before I had a family of my own AND if I’d been independently wealthy. Do you have any offspring or grandchildren that depend on you that you leave behind? How about dogs? Believe me, I don’t want to be a “Debbie Downer,” but how do you manage to do this with loved ones relying on you? This scenario could only happen for me (and, yes, it’s a dream of mine), IF I were a lot older – I’m 60 – but then I’d be lucky to be in good shape. (I’m in good shape right now; I just donated a kidney to my brother!) I guess I’m truly asking for advice…
~ Wendy
wendy, i have never been wealthy – i just made it happen… plane tickets are usually the greatest expense, but with kayak alerts and points (get an airline credit card) you b=can get them for nothing. Traveling is no longer expensive… we usually just have a poverty mentality about it. I know i did – until i did it. Take five days – and go. For example, my recent trip to mexico. The plane ticket was $300. driving osts were around $100. You can get a dcent room for under $100… and the butterfly sanctuary – including entrance fee, horse and guide – was under $20. I will post about that in se.. but I guess what im also saying is – you dont have to go somewhere exotic either. Just go somewhere alone. Maybe the next town over, or a national park – just go and have a minute to think. Even if just for the day. And wow about your brother… I truly hope he is ok and that you both are recovering well. What a loving gift you gave!