Tag Archives: tourism

The Best (Human) Guides to South Africa. Call Them Now.

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I am a firm believer in having real, live guides — especially when you’re traveling to a country you have never visited before. Humans enhance your trip more than a book or website ever could. They will tell you stories and help you brainstorm activities that you never dreamed were possible. They’ll show you the insider spots that you would never know to look for without a local.

With that in mind, here are my favorite guides in South Africa — a vast and varied country with wildlife, culture, booze and so much more.

1. Theo Pieters

Your Ultimate (Human) Guides to South Africa

A former police officer, and now a veritable “fixer” and director with White Rivers Exploration, Theo was invaluable to me during my South Africa trip. Acting not only as a bodyguard (which I needed in downtown Johannesburg), he was my driver, guide, and, eventually, friend. It is because of Theo that I learned about the Adrenaline Driving School, where I learned how to do a J turn and how to flee from from hijackers (should the occasion arise) in the Ultimate Driving Course.

He’s also responsible for introducing me to Vincent Barkas of Protrack Anti Poaching, the wonders of biltong and wors and … almost everything else.

Related: On the Frontlines of the Rhino “Genocide”: Saving a Species on the Brink

Though he’s based in Johannesburg, Theo travels all over the country, so you can ask him to meet you anywhere. He will also tell you fun stories about the times he did security for Celine Dion and John Legend.

Email: Theo.pieters@whiterivers.co.za

2. Dimi Roro

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Want to know the real ins and outs of Soweto and Johannesburg? Dimi is your lady. Thanks to her, I got to see the shebeen queen of Soweto, the Muthi healer, and Faraday Market. She’s fun as heck and she knows everybody. As a journalist, she also knows how to get almost anything done.

Email: Dimiroro007@gmail.com

3. David Forrestimage

A historian, David, who works with the South African Tourism Board, is a must if you are interested in South Africa’s past. He knows almost everything about anything historical and is delightful company. Based in Johannesburg, David can travel all over the country and is happy to meet you wherever you go and suggest itineraries.

Email: davidforrest@telkomsa.net

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Things To Do In Bamako When You’re Bored

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One day you may find yourself in Bamako, the capital of Mali. I know – crazy, right? But never say never! And if you ever want to see Timbuktu (which I suggest you do), you will have to go through Bamako. Besides, as I learned the hard way, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GONNA END UP! And, as some of you may be aware by now, one of my (many) mottos is: Poor Planning Pisses Me Off.

So, After the jump I present you with a list of fun filled, fabulously odd things to do in Bamako that may just change your life:

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Deep Thoughts: “Jumping For Virility” Starring The Germans And The Samburu Warriors (With Video)

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Germany’s Natalie Geisenberger (5thL), Felix Loch (6thL),Tobias Arlt (6th R) and Tobias Wendt (5th R) leap on the podium celebrating their first place in the luge team relay competition between second-placed Russia and third-placed Latvia teams at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics

Germans love to jump. They will jump in groups (above). They will jump solo (below).

Felix Loch of Germany jumps onto the podium after he won the gold medal during the men’s singles luge final at the 2014

And they will also travel specifically to get pictures of themselves jumping. Like Tobias – a 31 year old  German computer engineer who liked to travel to “dangerous places and take pictures of myself jumping on famous things!”

I met Tobias when I went to Iraq – he was part of a motley crew of people who all decided to vacation in a semi-war zone. More on Tobias the jumper and my theory on Germans vs. The Samburu Warriors after the jump:

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The Khe San Slambook

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Khe San Today

Along the old DMZ zone in Vietnam, the war is still being played out, this time between the tourists. The battle is played out in the pages of the Visitors Book at Khe San, the notorious battle site outside of Quang Tri where the Marines were under siege by the North Vietnamese for over four months in 1968 during the Tet Offensive. The government memorial proclaims a victory for the North Vietnamese Army – a notion disputed by Americans. Lying in the back, behind bomb remnants, pictures of Americans “fleeing in fright!” (boarding a carrier during Operation Charlie), and mannequins of VietCong women sewing a flag ala Betsy Ross, is the visitors comment book. Which reads like an international high school slam book:

“Never trust an American – they speak with fork (sic) tongue, Vietnamese, you guys rock!” – Jeff, from “The World.”

[Underneath the previous message]:  “FUCK YOU,” – USA

Let’s be clear. Khe San was a horrific, long battle. And the wounds have yet to heal for many people [From militaryhistory.com: Lasting 77 days, the “siege” of Khe Sanh saw American and South Vietnamese forces suffer 703 killed, 2,642 wounded, and 7 missing. North Vietnamese losses are not known with accuracy but are estimated at between 10,000-15,000 dead and wounded].

It gets worse. For more fighting words and pics of the pages, continue after the jump.

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10 Reasons Why You Should Go To Egypt RIGHT NOW

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The Egyptian economy might be in the dumps and the political situation fairly unstable but the US government just relaxed the travel warnings against it and Egypt is the best deal going right now. I just got back and had the TIME OF MY LIFE. I swear. After the jump I present the top ten reasons (and deals!) why you should book your trip to Egypt NOW:

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Things To Do In Iraq If You’re Mildly Acrophobic: Climb The Spire Of Samarra

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The Spire of Samarra

The Spire of Samarra

One of the coolest places in Iraq is Samarra – which houses the 9th century Great Mosque of Samarra… and the huge Spire of Samarra, built in 859 by the Abbasid caliph Al Mutawakkil.

Unlike, say, in Rome or some sort of ancient place in the First World where you can only look at things from afar or behind glass, in Iraq, you can climb all over (and up) anything. So, naturally, I did. Despite having a slight case of Acrophobia (fear of heights). Because, really – when am I ever gonna get back to Samarra?

There is an apt saying about this city that comes from the Babylonian myth, “An Appointment in Samarra,” which signifies death – as in “(so and so) has an appointment in Samarra” – meaning you’re gonna bite it. Which has got to be about anyone climbing this thing. Because damn, did I come close. I walked all the way up the spiraling cone (52 meters high and 33 meters wide) up the spiral ramp (with no handrails thank you very much) which got narrower and narrower the higher you got. And don’t even get me started on the wind factor. One stiff breeze and you’re playing Icarus.  By the time I got to the top I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. Especially when I ran into Steven on the way up (see video) and there was no way to go around him.

In the Al Qaeda clubhouse - with the Spire in the background.

In the Al Qaeda clubhouse – with the Spire in the background.

But I made it. Without vomiting or peeing my pants or anything. I know – I’m as shocked as you are!

I must have gotten down somehow (I’ve blacked it out), and while hanging out in the middle of the the mosque courtyard, I took some pictures with our armed escorts and then was told to “hurry it up.”

“What’s the rush?” I asked, only to be told, “We gotta be out by five – in the evening the local Al Qaeda guys come here and hangout.”

For your viewing pleasure, after the jump, see pics I took from around Samarra and check out the video I took while climbing the Spire.

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Deep Thoughts: How To Travel Anywhere And Not Get Killed or Maimed.

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I love a bodyguard

Yes, I know how to work that.

I’ve been known to travel to  places that some people [ed note: 99 percent] think are dodgy. I went to Iraq in 2011, was at the Essakane Music Festival outside of Timbuktu in 2013 (in my defense, Bono was there too), and hung out with a few “former” cocaine dealers in Colombia.

At this point my family has given up. Daddy (a right-wing, born again Tea Partier), now just shrugs and says, “God Bless and Hallelujah – I’ll call the prayer group.” Mom (a left-wing liberal Jew) just says, “Ah shit. Fine. Whatever.”
Over the years, I have developed a system that works for me in almost every country. Oddly enough, I’ve found people should be even more vigilant in “normal” places, because your guard is down – you just expect everything to be super fine and fun and cool – whereas in say, Cairo or Kirkuk, you are vigilant.
So, I present a by-no-means-cohesive list of How To Stay Safe. Or Alternatively, Paula Froelich’s Paranoid Guide To Travel.

Deep Thoughts: The NYC Metropolitan Opera

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I love a diva

Every now and then my pal Gus lets me play dress up and invites me to his amazing Parterre level box at the Metropolitan Opera. Inevitably, I almost always say yes (except for the night after my birthday as it was the night after my birthday and I was too busy self-medicating to get off my couch to take a shower). I leave feeling cultured and superior (to my alter ego, Rhonda who was mentally at home watching Country Music Television and stuffing her face with cheese fries). Last night, while seeing La Boheme, it struck me why The Opera is so addicting.

Behold, a scientific list: Continue reading →

Deep Thoughts for People Visiting New York City

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We have so much in common – I heart NY too!

Oh, tourists. I heart you. No, really! The way you walk hand in hand in hand, side by side by side down every sidewalk… or the way your money belt bulges from the waist of your elasticized pants… or the look of fear that enters your eyes when you realize you have to ask a local for directions. You make me giggle. And for that, I salute you!

I also would like to make your trip to NYC a little easier and pleasant. As a resident of Soho, which is overrun daily by hordes of people coming to see the “real” New York through the windows of Prada, H&M and Uniqlo, I offer you a guide… not on where to stay or what to do – but on How To Act. It’s a simple list of things that will help you fit in, or at least not annoy the locals to the point of tears. And so we begin:

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