The Night of The Tortured Turtles (Or: How To Make Organic Viagra)

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

The final concoction: Blood (red) and Bile (green) mixed with 120 proof liquor.

During my trip to Hanoi, I got along so well with my guide Lan and my driver Thang that they invited me to Thang’s anniversary – and I (obviously) said HELL YES! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Okay, these are the guys who took me to a brothel and introduced me to the hangover cure, so maybe I had a small clue, but damn, was I not ready for this mixology lesson.

The party was at a multi-floor restaurant 20 minutes away from my Hotel. It was the same crowd as the day before – except this time everyone brought their wives and children. The main entertainment was the torture of the turtles.  Two restaurant employees brought out a bucket of the doomed reptiles. While one held the wriggling body, the other employee took out a sharp menacing knife, grabbed the turtles’ heads and slit their necks – collecting the blood in a large glass while the dying turtle gave me the hairy eye ball [ed note: can’t say I blame him, but what was I gonna do?]. Minutes later a waitress took a hypodermic needle and extracted all the green bile-y goodness from the dying reptiles’ gall bladders. It was like watching the Coconut Tree Prison display come to life, with reptile stand ins for the mannequins.

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The Most Important Difference Between North And South Vietnam

Dinner. Photo courtesy of Martin Brandt.

Dinner, Hanoi. Photo courtesy of Martin Brandt.

Fun fact: the Vietnamese are practically American in their view of one another above or below the 17th parallel – their Mason Dixon Line. It’s the typical grudge match between the Vanquished and the Victor. “People in the South are lazy. They just want to party,” Northerners will say. “People in the North are too uptight and strict,” the Southerners will say.

There are also more subtle differences.

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