Tag Archives: guide

The Best (Human) Guides to South Africa. Call Them Now.

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I am a firm believer in having real, live guides — especially when you’re traveling to a country you have never visited before. Humans enhance your trip more than a book or website ever could. They will tell you stories and help you brainstorm activities that you never dreamed were possible. They’ll show you the insider spots that you would never know to look for without a local.

With that in mind, here are my favorite guides in South Africa — a vast and varied country with wildlife, culture, booze and so much more.

1. Theo Pieters

Your Ultimate (Human) Guides to South Africa

A former police officer, and now a veritable “fixer” and director with White Rivers Exploration, Theo was invaluable to me during my South Africa trip. Acting not only as a bodyguard (which I needed in downtown Johannesburg), he was my driver, guide, and, eventually, friend. It is because of Theo that I learned about the Adrenaline Driving School, where I learned how to do a J turn and how to flee from from hijackers (should the occasion arise) in the Ultimate Driving Course.

He’s also responsible for introducing me to Vincent Barkas of Protrack Anti Poaching, the wonders of biltong and wors and … almost everything else.

Related: On the Frontlines of the Rhino “Genocide”: Saving a Species on the Brink

Though he’s based in Johannesburg, Theo travels all over the country, so you can ask him to meet you anywhere. He will also tell you fun stories about the times he did security for Celine Dion and John Legend.

Email: Theo.pieters@whiterivers.co.za

2. Dimi Roro

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Want to know the real ins and outs of Soweto and Johannesburg? Dimi is your lady. Thanks to her, I got to see the shebeen queen of Soweto, the Muthi healer, and Faraday Market. She’s fun as heck and she knows everybody. As a journalist, she also knows how to get almost anything done.

Email: Dimiroro007@gmail.com

3. David Forrestimage

A historian, David, who works with the South African Tourism Board, is a must if you are interested in South Africa’s past. He knows almost everything about anything historical and is delightful company. Based in Johannesburg, David can travel all over the country and is happy to meet you wherever you go and suggest itineraries.

Email: davidforrest@telkomsa.net

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Things To Do In Bamako When You’re Bored

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One day you may find yourself in Bamako, the capital of Mali. I know – crazy, right? But never say never! And if you ever want to see Timbuktu (which I suggest you do), you will have to go through Bamako. Besides, as I learned the hard way, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GONNA END UP! And, as some of you may be aware by now, one of my (many) mottos is: Poor Planning Pisses Me Off.

So, After the jump I present you with a list of fun filled, fabulously odd things to do in Bamako that may just change your life:

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Deep Thoughts: Things I REALLY Need But Almost Always Forget To Pack

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So much stuff, yet so much missing...

So much stuff, yet so much missing…

I’m about to head off on another fun filled, f-cked up trip and am packing. (No, I can’t say where yet, but it’s one of the places on my 2014 Bucket List – I’ll tell you when I get back). And it struck me – there’s always SOMETHING I forget to bring… something that I realize I’ve left when it’s too late to do anything about it. So, for my edification, I’ve created the ultimate list of Shizz I Always Forget.

1.Tweezer. Fun fact: In another life, I could’ve been the bearded lady in any decent carnival. If I don’t tweeze my eyebrows and chin on a regular basis I turn truly Yeti-like. And what’s with getting older and realizing you all of a sudden have chin hair? You should have seen me when I returned from 3.5 weeks down the River Niger. I looked like this:

This is what I look like after three weeks without a tweezer.

Photo courtesy of Nadia Robot. 

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More Fun Facts I Learned While Traversing The World (Part 2)

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Proof that I really am a unicorn as, let's be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

Proof that I really am a unicorn, as, let’s be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

More Truths From Around The World, courtesy of yours truly. The Unicorn of Truth Tellers. Heh.

  • In Mali, a muslim country, a woman can bathe by the side of the road in the river topless, but will NEVER show her legs above the ankle. It’s just not done.
  • Communists have a seriously underdeveloped sense of humor. At least in public.
  • For women: If you are looking for a hunky, manly man the place to go is BIAP (Baghdad International Airport), which is full of horny, female-starved Western contractors in the best physical condition of their life. And they will buy coffee.
  • Do NOT go to Africa if you are an albino. You will be sacrificed and possibly eaten.
  • The only times I’ve ever had food poisoning in a third world country was when I ate at five star hotels. Street meat = A ok in my book.
  • Be Careful of the chili in Cincinnati, Ohio. Your stomach may not be able to handle it.
  • What happens when you out-karaoke a North Korean?  I did it once – not pretty! It’s best not to do it Especially if you are in North Korea.
  • Communist regimes – or any dictatorial regime feeling threatened – do not like Facebook or Twitter. So much so, it is almost impossible to log in to those, or any other widely used social site, while in the confines of their borders. Just in case, you know, someone wants to start a revolution.
  • The Mandarin word for “shoe” is the same for “vagina” – so be careful when you say you want to go shoe shopping.
  •  In India, if two dudes are walking down the street holding hands, it means they’re friends NOT lovers.
  • In Japan, women let men get in the elevator first. I KNOW! SO ANNOYING!
  • Despite immense dental care advances throughout the world, the English still have really bad teeth, hence the “British Book Of Smiles”.
  • In England, a “fag” is a cigarette, not a nasty term for a homosexual.
  • Despite any and all stereotypes, most people in every country I have ever been to are really, really lovely. If just give them the chance.
  • NEVER shake hands with your left hand, pretty much anywhere. Especially in India. If someone offers to shake your hand with their left, they are insulting you.

What are some truths you’ve learned? I’d love to add them to my list… and put them in a large soon to be downloadable Book Of Truths (with illustrations!)

Deep Thoughts for People Visiting New York City

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We have so much in common – I heart NY too!

Oh, tourists. I heart you. No, really! The way you walk hand in hand in hand, side by side by side down every sidewalk… or the way your money belt bulges from the waist of your elasticized pants… or the look of fear that enters your eyes when you realize you have to ask a local for directions. You make me giggle. And for that, I salute you!

I also would like to make your trip to NYC a little easier and pleasant. As a resident of Soho, which is overrun daily by hordes of people coming to see the “real” New York through the windows of Prada, H&M and Uniqlo, I offer you a guide… not on where to stay or what to do – but on How To Act. It’s a simple list of things that will help you fit in, or at least not annoy the locals to the point of tears. And so we begin:

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