That One Time I Flew to Mongolia Brangelina Style in the 4 Million Mile Club

Ever wonder why you never see any celebrities, politicians or mega-businessmen at the airport? It’s not because they fly private; that’s just not cost-effective. If they fly United, it’s because they are members of the ultimate elite flying club: United Global Services.

In this day and age, airlines are at war with one another to keep customers, especially high-end, loyal customers who spend significant amounts of money. Millions are being allocated for cabin renovations, lounges, and other perks, and United has started its Global Service Program, which promises to do almost anything for its members.

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Singapore Airlines First Class Suites Ruined My Life

In August I had a super awesome, amazingly bright idea: I was going to do a video inside the first-class suites on Singapore Airlines.

I’d heard about the airline’s first-class suites from a fellow (way wealthier) traveler a year before. His name was “Big Dave,” and he and his wife, “Carla” (who looked like Snooki), were sitting at a table next to me in a restaurant in Danang. They had just flown to Vietnam from London in one of those suites.

“It’s like your  own damn room!” he’d bragged. “I mean — look at me — I’m a big guy. I hate flying … and I never wanted to leave that plane!” (Big Dave was indeed a big guy. In fact, he was bordering on morbidly obese. I could understand how a normal seat would be confining for a man of his size.)

At first I was only semi-interested. But two hours and many bottles of wine later, I was full-on jealous — and nauseated (he’d started to brag about the “real” Mile High Club).

But I was determined. One day, I would take that mystical, magical flight and sleep in that bed and have the caviar service, Ferragamo amenity kits, and Givenchy sleep suits.

Flying Singapore Airlines in First Class for an Hour Ruined My Life

The first-class suite is just like heaven. (Andrew Rothschild)

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How to Survive a 21-Hour Flight (Without Killing Anyone)

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What would you pay to be able to lay down? (Photo: Andrew Rothschild)

I had never been to South Africa before, and I was beyond excited.

I was running around in circles like a-gerbil-in-a-wheel excited. Then I got the South African Airways plane ticket and realized just how long the flight was.

For the uninitiated, the direct flight from New York to Johannesburg is 18 hours. I was not going direct (Although, I did on the way back.). I flew from New York to Washington D.C., and from D.C. to Johannesburg via Dakar, Senegal. People have given birth in less time than it took me to reach my destination.

That is a lot of time to spend in a small tube hurtling through the sky.

To spare you the agony that I endured, I have written a handy-dandy survival guide for hellishly long flights. Because (trust) the flight is worth the trip to South Africa.

1. Wear the right clothes, or bring something to change into during the flight. In business class, a lot of airlines will give you a comfy sleep suit to change into. Why not bring your own? Or wear one on the plane. There is nothing worse than having to suffer through a constricting pair of jeans as you start to bloat at 35,000 feet. Bring loose, comfy pants; a roomy, dark top (So when you pass out, you can slip that constrictive bra off.); and a nice dress to easily change into just before you (finally) deplane.

2. Pack your carry-on appropriately. Every carry-on should have: a travel pillow, a scarf (which can convert into a blanket), an iPad or books, a large bottle of water, some snacks, and slippers/slipper socks.

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An eye mask is just one of the essentials you do not want to forget. (Photo: Thinkstock)

3. Bring your own business-class-style goody bag. Pack your own amenity bag that includes: an eye mask, a toothbrush, toothpaste, earplugs, hand cream, eye cream, and deodorant.

4. Load up on distractions. Download some meditations on to your iPad, iPhone, or whatever gadget you own. Load up on books, games, and that television show that you have been dying to binge-watch.

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