Guate-Hollah! Part 1

Posted on by
Black sand beaches - so pretty, yet so sinister...

Black sand beaches – so pretty, yet so sinister…

 

GUATEMALA — a tropical, picturesque, adventure-filled destination — is what Costa Rica used to be. As in Cheap. Because the tourist hordes haven’t discovered it yet, Guatemala remains affordable. The Central American country, bordering southern Mexico, is still a spot where $100 can get budget-minded travelers their own bungalow and all meals for a day, with money left over for a turtle race (yes, a turtle race – and no, while some were molested, none had their throats slit).

At least all this is true in Monterrico – a town famous for its never-ending volcanic black-sand beaches, azure blue waters and a relaxed atmosphere. After the jump, molested turtles, six year olds driving four wheelers, Hulk Hogan’s illegitimate brother, and a seriously hungover Barbie:

Continue reading →

Deep Thoughts: “Jumping For Virility” Starring The Germans And The Samburu Warriors (With Video)

Posted on by

Germany’s Natalie Geisenberger (5thL), Felix Loch (6thL),Tobias Arlt (6th R) and Tobias Wendt (5th R) leap on the podium celebrating their first place in the luge team relay competition between second-placed Russia and third-placed Latvia teams at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics

Germans love to jump. They will jump in groups (above). They will jump solo (below).

Felix Loch of Germany jumps onto the podium after he won the gold medal during the men’s singles luge final at the 2014

And they will also travel specifically to get pictures of themselves jumping. Like Tobias – a 31 year old  German computer engineer who liked to travel to “dangerous places and take pictures of myself jumping on famous things!”

I met Tobias when I went to Iraq – he was part of a motley crew of people who all decided to vacation in a semi-war zone. More on Tobias the jumper and my theory on Germans vs. The Samburu Warriors after the jump:

Continue reading →

The Biker Girl Gangs Of Marrakech Via NYC

Posted on by

When I saw the words: “Biker” “girl” “culture” “Morocco” in a headline I immediately assumed someone was playing a drunken game of Mad Libs on me – but no! There really is such a thing and it’s not an oxymoron. Who Knew? You know I love me some Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves shizz so I bring you news of the new exhibit in NYC – Hassan Hajjaj: Kesh Angels at the Taymour Grahne Gallery on Hudson Street – and DAMN is it cool!

According to the brochure:

Marking the artist’s first exhibition in New York, ‘Kesh Angels presents a unique take on the vibrant street culture of Morocco and pays tribute to the biker culture of the young women of Marrakesh in a series of photographs, limited edition objects, an installation, and a video.

Sign me up! Those ladies got some serious street style (and in one pic even look like they’re endorsed by Nike. Now wouldn’t THAT be cool?). This exhibit makes me want to go to Morrocco stat and drag race with some biker ladies – because you know that would be a good time… Go. See. Now. But hurry – it’s only up until March 7. After the jump, more biker ladies:

Continue reading →

More Fun Facts I Learned While Traversing The World (Part 2)

Posted on by
Proof that I really am a unicorn as, let's be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

Proof that I really am a unicorn, as, let’s be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

More Truths From Around The World, courtesy of yours truly. The Unicorn of Truth Tellers. Heh.

  • In Mali, a muslim country, a woman can bathe by the side of the road in the river topless, but will NEVER show her legs above the ankle. It’s just not done.
  • Communists have a seriously underdeveloped sense of humor. At least in public.
  • For women: If you are looking for a hunky, manly man the place to go is BIAP (Baghdad International Airport), which is full of horny, female-starved Western contractors in the best physical condition of their life. And they will buy coffee.
  • Do NOT go to Africa if you are an albino. You will be sacrificed and possibly eaten.
  • The only times I’ve ever had food poisoning in a third world country was when I ate at five star hotels. Street meat = A ok in my book.
  • Be Careful of the chili in Cincinnati, Ohio. Your stomach may not be able to handle it.
  • What happens when you out-karaoke a North Korean?  I did it once – not pretty! It’s best not to do it Especially if you are in North Korea.
  • Communist regimes – or any dictatorial regime feeling threatened – do not like Facebook or Twitter. So much so, it is almost impossible to log in to those, or any other widely used social site, while in the confines of their borders. Just in case, you know, someone wants to start a revolution.
  • The Mandarin word for “shoe” is the same for “vagina” – so be careful when you say you want to go shoe shopping.
  •  In India, if two dudes are walking down the street holding hands, it means they’re friends NOT lovers.
  • In Japan, women let men get in the elevator first. I KNOW! SO ANNOYING!
  • Despite immense dental care advances throughout the world, the English still have really bad teeth, hence the “British Book Of Smiles”.
  • In England, a “fag” is a cigarette, not a nasty term for a homosexual.
  • Despite any and all stereotypes, most people in every country I have ever been to are really, really lovely. If just give them the chance.
  • NEVER shake hands with your left hand, pretty much anywhere. Especially in India. If someone offers to shake your hand with their left, they are insulting you.

What are some truths you’ve learned? I’d love to add them to my list… and put them in a large soon to be downloadable Book Of Truths (with illustrations!)

Fun Facts I Learned While Traveling In Weird Places (Part 1)

Posted on by
Pondering the Rules of Life

Pondering the Rules of Life

You pick up some random information  when you travel the world – especially when you end up in weird situations like I have. You start mentally collecting a set of observations  that you come to expect as you unwittingly form your own stereotypes.  A series of truths that are almost  as true as “Don’t Drink the Tap Water.”

So, I present to you the first installment of FUN FACTS:

  • While Somali pirates may have money but they have a seriously stymied sense of style. You can spot a pirate in a Nairobi club a mile away by his checkered pants and Michael Jackson shirt.
  • Germans are really not as cool as you think they are. And no one really thinks Germans are cool (except for maybe Austrians)… But I still like to party with them.
  • People from New Zealand are really strange. Awesome, but strange.
  • You can almost always tell what country most tourists are from by looking at them from the knees down (hint: Japanese women will always wear heels. Even in the mud; Americans love white socks and Tevos, Germans love Birkenstocks and black socks; Koreans are really into nude hose and Australians often have dirty feet which are, for some reason, usually bare).
  • No matter how low the GDP of a country you are in, you will always find someone living REALLY WELL – like at the 5 star Hotel Karibe in Haiti (which was open two days after the big earthquake), The Sheiks in Iraq (who bring Persian Glamour to a whole ‘nother level) , a mid-level government minister’s mansion in Kenya, or the summer homes of the sons/daughters of the government just outside of Bamako.
  • The right wing Muslims, Jews and Christians are all insanely similar – especially when it comes to their “protection” of women. But don’t tell them that – they’ll kill you. Literally.

More tomorrow!

Former Miami Correctional Institute Residents Make the Best Guides In Colombia

Posted on by

DSCN0193Former Miami Correctional Institute inmate number 26623-069 was convicted in 2000 for narco-trafficking when his fishing boat was found off the coast of Puerto Rico with “a lot” of marijuana and cocaine on board. In February 2007, he was released from the United States penal system and put on a direct flight back to his homeland, Colombia – where he eventually wound up in Santa Marta, the Colombian Riviera – and birthplace of Colombia’s narco-trafficking. Probably not the smoothest move for a man claiming to be set on reform.

At around five feet, nine inches, Juan looks back on his time in Miami with nostalgia. “I learned English (in prison) and got my GED. They treated me better than my mother – they fed me three meals a day, gave me clean clothes and counted me like a diamond every night.”

Once a foot soldier in the narco-trafficking that defines Colombia’s history, Juan swears he’s now straight, interested only in tourism – the Colombian government’s new tactic in winning the drug wars – but that doesn’t explain the bullet scar below his left shoulder he got just ten months ago or the more recent scar that runs from his sternum down past his navel.

Continue reading →

Horror-scope Of The Day

Posted on by
This is me today. According to Sally Brompton it won't last long. YEAH!

This is me today. According to Sally Brompton it won’t last long. YEAH!

So yeah – I read my horoscope and looove me some Sally Brompton. Don’t judge. She rocks. And so, while Mercury is in Retrograde, fellow Scorpios, I will share with you today’s premonition. I will take it!SCORPIO

October 23 – November 21

Don’t worry too much if you feel a bit gloomy today because you will brighten up considerably later in the week. If you don’t feel like working or socializing then don’t force yourself. Sit quietly, think deeply and meditate on the meaning of life.

How To (Accidentally) Look Like A Hooker In Iraq

Posted on by
Spot the problems...

Spot the problems…

Fun fact: there are three major problems with this photo – and two minor ones (which you can’t see). So there I was, in Baghdad, feeling all sorts of appropriately dressed in my Jil Sander for Uniqlo dress. I mean, come one – look at it. It’s black, long, and when I saw it on the rack I immediately thought, “Oooooh, perfect for Iraq!” and “Burkha chic has come to the States, who knew?” It’s not like I was gonna buy it for a hot NYC summer except to possibly throw it over my head in the morning to walk the dog. After all, it was semi shapeless and although it was really comfy and made of thin (yet not see through) cotton, it made me look like I could be pregnant. Which, if I was pregnant, that’d be okay. BUT I’M NOT.

So, I thought yeah – Iraq. Awesome. It’s roomy, will breathe, and adheres to strict Muslim dictates, right? Wrong.

Continue reading →

The Stuff That Got Away [Or, Things I Should’ve Bought When I’d Had The Chance]

Posted on by
I'm a haggler, not a fighter...

I’m a haggler, not a fighter…

I’m not really a hoarder, I swear. But I do like to buy things that remind me of my trips. And I usually do well – not too much, not too little. But  then there’s the stuff that got away. There’s not many things that I regret not purchasing, but there are a few items that I’ve passed up that I still think about. Years later, like some dude who asked me out in my 20’s and I said no and now realize I probably should’ve given him a shot. How effed up is that? Anyhoo – I present the list:

1. The Tuareg ear cuffs. These things are all the rage right now (except they are knock offs being sold by designer labels for hundreds). And I could’ve had them first. UGH. There I was in TImbuktu, haggling my butt off and I just got tired and walked away. I saw a few more cuffs over the next few days, but thought, “I’ll come back.” And then the Civil War started and I had to leave. (Story on that later). It now KILLS me to see them on another woman’s ear. BUT – the woman below is selling hers on Etsy. I suggest you order a pair.

Very Mad Max… How it looks on whitey

Continue reading →

My 2014 Bucket List

Posted on by

 

Lake in MongoliaNo, I haven’t been everywhere… and some places I don’t go to because I’m a conscientious objector (Zimbabwe and Uganda, anyone?)… but I can still dream. And plan. Because dictators, xenophobia, and me being broke wont last forever! Besides – what better way to spend a slow, freezing Saturday than to dream about unending travel possibilities? That, and I think there’s something really good about writing down your dreams. It makes them come true faster. I swear.  And so, I present to you my dream list of places to go (and why).

1. Mongolia (above): there is just something so poetically lonely in this landscape… It sounds lame to say, but it calls to me. And I’ve always wanted to see the famous wild horse races…

2. The Tsukiji Fish Market, Tokyo: Ok, fine – Tokyo too. And Kyoto. But, as I’ve mentioned before, I cant scuba dive… and I have a thing for fish markets. And this one is supposed to be the best in the world. Besides, who doesn’t love Toro right out of the ocean at 3 am?

yummy

yummy

Continue reading →