Udaipur: Octopussy On Crack!

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I’m not even sure I can express how much I love Udaipur, India. the first time i went in 1996, I was mesmerized – I mean, how many cities have lake palaces that you have to take a boat to and you can stay in (it’s a Taj Hotel) – also known as Octopussy’s harem home in the Bond flick. Theres the main City Palace (above) and the Monsoon Palace (Khan’s home in Octopussy) which is on top of a mountain and has the most incredible views out into the mountains and over the valley. The women walk around in brightly colored saris and there are even elephants wandering the streets.

i love an elephant out on the town

i love an elephant out on the town

Your imagination goes wild here.

And bonus: it’s fun and funny as hell.

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Guate-Hollah! Part Tres: The Market at Chichicastenango

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I love a death doll

I love a death doll

Chichi is cool for so many reasons – chief amongst which is: it has the largest indigenous market in Central America. Clearly, I had to go. And I was not disappointed. Mayans, for miles around, come in every Thursday and Sunday to sell intricately sewn textiles, death masks, chickens, dolls, sweaters, chotchkes, you name it, all at the foot of the 400-year old church of Santo Tomás. The church is built atop a Pre-Columbian temple platform, and K’iche’ Maya priests still use the church for their rituals, burning incense and candles and in really special cases, they burn a chicken for the gods. It’s kind of amazing – especially as I’d assumed all the Mayans died out years ago. I was wrong. Thank God. [Ed note: Mayan rituals are a lot like voodoo rituals – involving chickens, blood, candles, booze, cocaine, leaves and fire. I think it must be a universal fact that pluralist gods liked to party. A lot]. There was also a sick restaurant area in the middle of the market which served the best fried chicken I’ve ever had, hands down. Don’t tell Aunt Dee I said that. She’ll be pissed.

After the jump: The market from heaven:

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Spa Castle: Little Korea in Queens

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Anyone who knows me knows I love glamour. And nothing says sheer eleganza like Spa Castle in Queens, New York.  I mean, come on  – who doesn’t love a good, old fashioned, Korean scrub n soak in a Persian palace? Spa Castle offers things like “Chocolate Mud Wraps” (the mind boggles); Private “royal” body scrubs; and in “Sauna Valley” you’ll find Ice rooms and infrared saunas where “Each room, equally ornate in structure and design, offers specific healing affects through the combination of the infrared rays converted to heat with the natural essence of the room itself. The lining of each room is made from natural and authentic components, each organically beneficial to the body.” No, they are not kidding – sign me up!

Check out the sheer elegance after the jump:

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Things To Do In Bamako When You’re Bored

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One day you may find yourself in Bamako, the capital of Mali. I know – crazy, right? But never say never! And if you ever want to see Timbuktu (which I suggest you do), you will have to go through Bamako. Besides, as I learned the hard way, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GONNA END UP! And, as some of you may be aware by now, one of my (many) mottos is: Poor Planning Pisses Me Off.

So, After the jump I present you with a list of fun filled, fabulously odd things to do in Bamako that may just change your life:

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You Know What Would’ve Been Really Cool? If There’d Been a Miss Universe Contest Circa 1782

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Oh Heeeyyyyyyyyy….

Throughout history, women have always had things done to them to make them “beautiful.” Nowadays,  we pluck, wax, shave, inject, and silicon bag ourselves all so we can be pretty. But the saddest part is, due to globalisation, everyone kind of looks the same.

When traveling and visiting historical sites or archaeological digs, you quickly start to realize that that chick to the left in the  Santa suit would’ve been passed over by pretty much every guy on the planet a few hundred years ago. Back in the day, before airplanes and all that, beauty was pretty subjective and every region had it’s own idea of what was hot. Most of which we’d find pretty hideously fascinating today.

Take for example the Mayans. Now they used to think women with flat foreheads, crossed eyes and razor sharp, piranha like teeth were the shizznit. So, according to my guide in Chichicastenanga (Guatemala), when Mayan girls were very young, boards would be tied to their heads with a bead hanging from it (so the eyes would be trained to cross) and their teeth were filed to sharp points to look like Jaws. Don’t even get me started on what their talent would be… I have no clue. But the imagination boggles – biting through trees? Severing chicken heads? Pillaging neighboring Incan villages?

Hello, gorgeous…

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Guate-Hollah! Part Dos

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A view of three of the five volcanoes surrounding Lake Atitlan

A view of the three volcanoes surrounding Lake Atitlan

In last week’s installment of Guate-Hollah! we were at the black sand beaches of Monterrico. This week, on the way to Chichicastenanga, I bring you Panajachel, on the shores of Lake Atitlan.

I was skeptical of Panajachel at first as it has long been a hippie hangout – and man are hippies annoying! – but I was quickly won over. I mean, come on – look at that Lake! It’s actually a huge caldera formed millions of years ago and is now surrounded by three active volcanos. The lake has a bunch of villages on its shores but there are no roads connecting them so everyone has to take boats to get anywhere. The Mayan religion is also really active in this area and there are a lot of ruins to check out. and you know me – any chance to play Indiana Jonesette, I’m game!

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The Trek Through The Cocaine Hills To La Ciudad Perdida: Bugs, Mud And A Sharting Mule

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The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

While I do love traveling alone – sometimes you have to join a small group of randoms you don’t know. Which I actually find fun – you learn how to deal with other people, how to behave yourself and hear some really funny things. I joined a group in Colombia when I decided to do the trek to La Ciudad Perdida – an archaeological site of an ancient city in Sierra Nevada, Colombia. It is believed to have been founded about 800 AD, some 650 years earlier than Machu Picchu. Ciudad Perdida consists of a series of 169 terraces carved into the mountainside, a net of tiled roads and several small circular plazas. The entrance can only be accessed by a climb up some 1,200 stone steps through dense jungle. And the entrance can only be accessed by a three day hike up 90 degree sloped jungled hills across rivers, over two inch ledges and some seriously shaky slat bridges. But there was the promise of an added bonus: A Real Live Cocaine Factory. (Note: I do not do drugs, but I do do effed up experiences like checking out how these things worked).

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Deep Thoughts: Things I REALLY Need But Almost Always Forget To Pack

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So much stuff, yet so much missing...

So much stuff, yet so much missing…

I’m about to head off on another fun filled, f-cked up trip and am packing. (No, I can’t say where yet, but it’s one of the places on my 2014 Bucket List – I’ll tell you when I get back). And it struck me – there’s always SOMETHING I forget to bring… something that I realize I’ve left when it’s too late to do anything about it. So, for my edification, I’ve created the ultimate list of Shizz I Always Forget.

1.Tweezer. Fun fact: In another life, I could’ve been the bearded lady in any decent carnival. If I don’t tweeze my eyebrows and chin on a regular basis I turn truly Yeti-like. And what’s with getting older and realizing you all of a sudden have chin hair? You should have seen me when I returned from 3.5 weeks down the River Niger. I looked like this:

This is what I look like after three weeks without a tweezer.

Photo courtesy of Nadia Robot. 

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Use It Or Lose It: Awesome Last Minute Vacations

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It’s that time of the year – where you have to use your vacation days or lose them – and why lose them? WHY? You worked your butt off all year and deserve a break. Besides, with this weather we’re having, you might just go crazy if you don’t skip off somewhere. Consider this a Public Service Announcement…. Broad style!

Because it’s last minute, I’m thinking cheap, fun and NO STAY-CATIONS! Especially not when it’s snowy out. Unless you live by a ski resort.

After the jump, the best last minute deals:

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