Category Archives: Where To Go

Udaipur: Octopussy On Crack!

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I’m not even sure I can express how much I love Udaipur, India. the first time i went in 1996, I was mesmerized – I mean, how many cities have lake palaces that you have to take a boat to and you can stay in (it’s a Taj Hotel) – also known as Octopussy’s harem home in the Bond flick. Theres the main City Palace (above) and the Monsoon Palace (Khan’s home in Octopussy) which is on top of a mountain and has the most incredible views out into the mountains and over the valley. The women walk around in brightly colored saris and there are even elephants wandering the streets.

i love an elephant out on the town

i love an elephant out on the town

Your imagination goes wild here.

And bonus: it’s fun and funny as hell.

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Guate-Hollah! Part Tres: The Market at Chichicastenango

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I love a death doll

I love a death doll

Chichi is cool for so many reasons – chief amongst which is: it has the largest indigenous market in Central America. Clearly, I had to go. And I was not disappointed. Mayans, for miles around, come in every Thursday and Sunday to sell intricately sewn textiles, death masks, chickens, dolls, sweaters, chotchkes, you name it, all at the foot of the 400-year old church of Santo Tomás. The church is built atop a Pre-Columbian temple platform, and K’iche’ Maya priests still use the church for their rituals, burning incense and candles and in really special cases, they burn a chicken for the gods. It’s kind of amazing – especially as I’d assumed all the Mayans died out years ago. I was wrong. Thank God. [Ed note: Mayan rituals are a lot like voodoo rituals – involving chickens, blood, candles, booze, cocaine, leaves and fire. I think it must be a universal fact that pluralist gods liked to party. A lot]. There was also a sick restaurant area in the middle of the market which served the best fried chicken I’ve ever had, hands down. Don’t tell Aunt Dee I said that. She’ll be pissed.

After the jump: The market from heaven:

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Things To Do In Bamako When You’re Bored

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One day you may find yourself in Bamako, the capital of Mali. I know – crazy, right? But never say never! And if you ever want to see Timbuktu (which I suggest you do), you will have to go through Bamako. Besides, as I learned the hard way, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GONNA END UP! And, as some of you may be aware by now, one of my (many) mottos is: Poor Planning Pisses Me Off.

So, After the jump I present you with a list of fun filled, fabulously odd things to do in Bamako that may just change your life:

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Guate-Hollah! Part Dos

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A view of three of the five volcanoes surrounding Lake Atitlan

A view of the three volcanoes surrounding Lake Atitlan

In last week’s installment of Guate-Hollah! we were at the black sand beaches of Monterrico. This week, on the way to Chichicastenanga, I bring you Panajachel, on the shores of Lake Atitlan.

I was skeptical of Panajachel at first as it has long been a hippie hangout – and man are hippies annoying! – but I was quickly won over. I mean, come on – look at that Lake! It’s actually a huge caldera formed millions of years ago and is now surrounded by three active volcanos. The lake has a bunch of villages on its shores but there are no roads connecting them so everyone has to take boats to get anywhere. The Mayan religion is also really active in this area and there are a lot of ruins to check out. and you know me – any chance to play Indiana Jonesette, I’m game!

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Use It Or Lose It: Awesome Last Minute Vacations

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It’s that time of the year – where you have to use your vacation days or lose them – and why lose them? WHY? You worked your butt off all year and deserve a break. Besides, with this weather we’re having, you might just go crazy if you don’t skip off somewhere. Consider this a Public Service Announcement…. Broad style!

Because it’s last minute, I’m thinking cheap, fun and NO STAY-CATIONS! Especially not when it’s snowy out. Unless you live by a ski resort.

After the jump, the best last minute deals:

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Guate-Hollah! Part 1

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Black sand beaches - so pretty, yet so sinister...

Black sand beaches – so pretty, yet so sinister…

 

GUATEMALA — a tropical, picturesque, adventure-filled destination — is what Costa Rica used to be. As in Cheap. Because the tourist hordes haven’t discovered it yet, Guatemala remains affordable. The Central American country, bordering southern Mexico, is still a spot where $100 can get budget-minded travelers their own bungalow and all meals for a day, with money left over for a turtle race (yes, a turtle race – and no, while some were molested, none had their throats slit).

At least all this is true in Monterrico – a town famous for its never-ending volcanic black-sand beaches, azure blue waters and a relaxed atmosphere. After the jump, molested turtles, six year olds driving four wheelers, Hulk Hogan’s illegitimate brother, and a seriously hungover Barbie:

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The Biker Girl Gangs Of Marrakech Via NYC

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When I saw the words: “Biker” “girl” “culture” “Morocco” in a headline I immediately assumed someone was playing a drunken game of Mad Libs on me – but no! There really is such a thing and it’s not an oxymoron. Who Knew? You know I love me some Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves shizz so I bring you news of the new exhibit in NYC – Hassan Hajjaj: Kesh Angels at the Taymour Grahne Gallery on Hudson Street – and DAMN is it cool!

According to the brochure:

Marking the artist’s first exhibition in New York, ‘Kesh Angels presents a unique take on the vibrant street culture of Morocco and pays tribute to the biker culture of the young women of Marrakesh in a series of photographs, limited edition objects, an installation, and a video.

Sign me up! Those ladies got some serious street style (and in one pic even look like they’re endorsed by Nike. Now wouldn’t THAT be cool?). This exhibit makes me want to go to Morrocco stat and drag race with some biker ladies – because you know that would be a good time… Go. See. Now. But hurry – it’s only up until March 7. After the jump, more biker ladies:

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More Fun Facts I Learned While Traversing The World (Part 2)

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Proof that I really am a unicorn as, let's be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

Proof that I really am a unicorn, as, let’s be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

More Truths From Around The World, courtesy of yours truly. The Unicorn of Truth Tellers. Heh.

  • In Mali, a muslim country, a woman can bathe by the side of the road in the river topless, but will NEVER show her legs above the ankle. It’s just not done.
  • Communists have a seriously underdeveloped sense of humor. At least in public.
  • For women: If you are looking for a hunky, manly man the place to go is BIAP (Baghdad International Airport), which is full of horny, female-starved Western contractors in the best physical condition of their life. And they will buy coffee.
  • Do NOT go to Africa if you are an albino. You will be sacrificed and possibly eaten.
  • The only times I’ve ever had food poisoning in a third world country was when I ate at five star hotels. Street meat = A ok in my book.
  • Be Careful of the chili in Cincinnati, Ohio. Your stomach may not be able to handle it.
  • What happens when you out-karaoke a North Korean?  I did it once – not pretty! It’s best not to do it Especially if you are in North Korea.
  • Communist regimes – or any dictatorial regime feeling threatened – do not like Facebook or Twitter. So much so, it is almost impossible to log in to those, or any other widely used social site, while in the confines of their borders. Just in case, you know, someone wants to start a revolution.
  • The Mandarin word for “shoe” is the same for “vagina” – so be careful when you say you want to go shoe shopping.
  •  In India, if two dudes are walking down the street holding hands, it means they’re friends NOT lovers.
  • In Japan, women let men get in the elevator first. I KNOW! SO ANNOYING!
  • Despite immense dental care advances throughout the world, the English still have really bad teeth, hence the “British Book Of Smiles”.
  • In England, a “fag” is a cigarette, not a nasty term for a homosexual.
  • Despite any and all stereotypes, most people in every country I have ever been to are really, really lovely. If just give them the chance.
  • NEVER shake hands with your left hand, pretty much anywhere. Especially in India. If someone offers to shake your hand with their left, they are insulting you.

What are some truths you’ve learned? I’d love to add them to my list… and put them in a large soon to be downloadable Book Of Truths (with illustrations!)

Former Miami Correctional Institute Residents Make the Best Guides In Colombia

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DSCN0193Former Miami Correctional Institute inmate number 26623-069 was convicted in 2000 for narco-trafficking when his fishing boat was found off the coast of Puerto Rico with “a lot” of marijuana and cocaine on board. In February 2007, he was released from the United States penal system and put on a direct flight back to his homeland, Colombia – where he eventually wound up in Santa Marta, the Colombian Riviera – and birthplace of Colombia’s narco-trafficking. Probably not the smoothest move for a man claiming to be set on reform.

At around five feet, nine inches, Juan looks back on his time in Miami with nostalgia. “I learned English (in prison) and got my GED. They treated me better than my mother – they fed me three meals a day, gave me clean clothes and counted me like a diamond every night.”

Once a foot soldier in the narco-trafficking that defines Colombia’s history, Juan swears he’s now straight, interested only in tourism – the Colombian government’s new tactic in winning the drug wars – but that doesn’t explain the bullet scar below his left shoulder he got just ten months ago or the more recent scar that runs from his sternum down past his navel.

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