Category Archives: Where The Boys Are

Check Out Uncle Billy, Hawaii’s 76 Year Old Surf King

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Everyone on Waikiki Beach knows “Uncle” Billy Pa. At 76, he’s been surfing the shores in front of the Royal Hawaiian hotel for decades and was part of the original Beach Boys (not the band!) — the group of local surfers who brought the sport to the rest of the world.

Hanging loose with Billy. 

In the 1950s, Billy and his friends, including the Duke, a legendary surfer considered to be the father of modern-day surfing, started teaching tourists to ride the waves to earn some extra cash, and he’s been here ever since, surfing and teaching for the Waikiki Beach Services.

Not only can Billy surf, but he’s also the best teacher on the beach — you might remember from earlier episodes that surfing is not my forte.

Related: Wipeout! Surfing With Famed Chef Eric Ripert — Not as Easy as You’d Think

But unlike Puerto Rico, there was no storm coming in, and the waves on Waikiki Beach were calm and easy. With Billy’s help and encouragement, I got up on my first, second, third, and fifth try.

Billy’s boards on Waikiki Beach.

But perhaps even better than surfing with Billy is hanging out with him and hearing his stories of back in the day, when surfing was still relatively unknown and he, the Duke, and the other Beach Boys would bum around the sand, getting paid to do what they love.

Related: Molokai: The Last Truly Unspoiled Hawaiian Island

“I started on an old redwood board,” Billy said. “We would all share the boards — if one person had a board, he was everyone’s friend. We would grab rides to the beach and surf all day, sometimes five guys sharing one board — and then one day we started getting paid to do it. It was great!”

It’s his experience and his love of his sport that makes Billy the best surf master out there. Not only can he help anyone get up on a board, but is also patient enough to wait all day if he has to. If you ever find yourself on Waikiki Beach in Oahu, look him up. You will regret it if you don’t.

An Idiot Proof Guide to an Epic British Pub Crawl

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When visiting England, there is nothing more fun than an old-fashioned British pub crawl… and if you’re going to do one (and you should), the best place to do it is in Yorkshire, which has pubs that reek of ambiance and history and have been serving the public for hundreds of years.

Be sure to get a driver, so there are no issues getting home, but — bonus! — all of these pubs are also inns, just in case you need a nap.

WATCH: An Idiot-Proof Guide to an Epic British Pub Crawl

We knew from the start that this was going to be a long day. (All photos by ABA crew)

I decided to start my pub crawl in Haworth, home of the Brontë sisters in the mid-19th century. Charlotte, Emily and Anne, the three daughters of the village parson, were immensely talented writers, best known for Wuthering Heights (Emily), Jane Eyre (Charlotte), and Emma(Charlotte). They originally wrote under male pen names, as Currer, Ellis and Acton Bell, but won such fame that they were finally able to publish under their own names. Their unfortunate brother, Branwell, was also said to be a talented artist, but he was much overshadowed by his sisters’ fame. He resorted to drinking and drugging his way through life before dying of (severe) alcoholism at the ripe old age of 31.

Related: Haworth, England — the Tiny Town that Inspired Every Single Brontë Novel

So, after visiting the Brontë house, strolling across the moors that inspired the sisters’ books, make your first stop:

1. The Black Bull, Haworth

119 Main St., Haworth, Keighley, West Yorkshire, BD22 8DP, United Kingdom

This is the pub where Branwell drank himself to death. In a lovely macabre English twist, they have kept his favorite stool in perfect condition. The pub is conveniently located across the street from the village apothecary, where Branwel would get his opium before stumbling back across to the bar.

It doesn’t get more authentic than this. 

2. Haworth Old Hall

Sun Street, Haworth, Keighley, West Yorkshire, BD22 8BP, United Kingdom

Located in one of the oldest buildings in the village, Haworth Old Hall has been standing since the 16th century. These days it’s not just a pub, it’s a gastro pub, with locally sourced farm-to-table food. It also has a ghost that wanders around after dark. Not kidding. Just ask Alan, the manager — he’s seen her.

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Bored? Go Bobsledding – It’ll Put the Hair Back on Your Chest

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I spent New Year’s Eve in St. Moritz — which is weird for me. I don’t like cold weather, I’m not an especially gifted skier (read: awkward-as-heck skier), and starting the new year off in a town full of famously wealthy people didn’t really do it for me. I had visions of that scene in Dumb and Dumberwhen Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels go to Aspen all kitted out… and fit right in. But, a bunch of my friends I’d met in Afghanistan the year before were all convening for a ski race in St. Moritz to benefit the Afghan Ski Challenge and I missed them. So I booked a ticket and thought, “Now what?”

Related: Avalanches, Death Threats and No Lifts. Welcome to the Most Dangerous Ski Race in the World

Cool Runnings in St. Moritz — the Most Fun You Can Have on Ice

With Florence, Henrietta, and Beatrice as the bobs run by. (Photo: Paula Froelich)

And then my pal Beatrice told me about bobsledding.

“The Swiss championships are on right now— let’s go!” Beatrice said.

“Absolutely,” I agreed.

“And then you can go for a ride,” she said. “It will be the best two-and-a-half minutes of your life — if you don’t die.”

“What?!”

“Don’t worry,” she assured me, it will probably be fine. Just try to keep your head up so you can see when you turn the bends and enter the horseshoe [the bend where you go full vertical]. It’s a bit difficult with the g-force.”

So we tramped over to the Olympia Bob Run — which has been in operation since 1904 and is the only natural ice run in the world, meaning every year the club hires people to carve the ice run, which must be done with precision as even the slightest fault means death as you hurtle 90 mph down the icy slope. Or at the very least, a lot of broken bones.

Related: Like Danger? Take the Anticarjacking Class at the Ultimate Driving School 

The manager of the Olympia Bob Run, Damian Gianola, was a good friend of Beatrice’s — which is fortunate, as guests can book rides, but they book out fast so, if you’re going to the area, call ahead. Damian got me a seat on the last run of the day and suited me up:

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Step One: Put on your face mask. Yes, it looks like I’m about to rob a store. No, I did not.

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Step Two: Pick a helmet.

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Avalanches, Death Threats, and No Lifts. Welcome to the World’s Craziest Ski Race

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyAsqKdV6Mg

When one thinks of Afghanistan, one usually does not think of skiing.

There are several reasons for this.

  1. Afghanistan has been war-ravaged for decades.

  2. Afghanistan,” “leisure sports,” and “fun, relaxing time” are not things ever associated with one another in many peoples’ minds.
  3. There are no ski lifts in Afghanistan.

  4. There are people in Afghanistan, right this very second,actively trying to kill/maim/torture anyone with a Western passport. To make it worse, those very same people really don’t like people who have the audacity to have been born with female genitalia.

  5. The country doesn’t exactly scream, “Hey, people, come hang out and spend some of those lucrative tourist dollars!

 

  1. The altitude up there can exceed 11,000 feet, making it very hard to breathe properly when there is not a lot of oxygen floating around. Not ideal when you have to scale a mountain on foot with skis strapped to your back in order to shuss down it.

  2. There are no ski shops within 5,000 miles. Not super convenient if you forgot your long underwear.
  3. There are no female ski instructors (there are a few men who have been trained), and women are not allowed to be alone with men in any situation.

I could go on, but you get the gist.

Avalanches, Death Threats, and No Lifts. Welcome to the World’s Most Dangerous Ski Race

Trekking up the mountain range. (Photo: Paula Froelich)

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Happy Halloween and Welcome to my Scary Love Life Which Sucks So Bad I Went To a South African Muthi (Voodoo) Master

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Those of you who follow me on Twitter may remember the saga of Hickey Man – the hot dude who showed up to our second date with a hickey (note: it was not from me. Also note: He was 44. Waaaaay past the acceptable age of hickies) – and then proceeded to say things like “It’s so weird. I’m usually attracted to fat women, but you… you, I’m attracted to your brain!” or “It sucks I’m so tired because I was really planning on having sex with you tonight.” Well. I’ve had it with Tinder, Hinge, Match, etc. and I decided to go to the magical. Because at this point, i’ve given up! Meet Thabo, the Muthi Master who says my dude is coming. Note: I’m still waiting. For the full story, click here!

 

Afghanistan: The Land of the YUMMs… No , Really.

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Chilling in Afghanistan with Arnaud - the Swiss skier who lives in Tehran. Random, I know.

Chilling in Afghanistan with Arnaud – the Swiss YUMM who lives in Tehran. Random, I know.

As those of you who follow me on twitter, facebook or tumblr may know – I just got back from attending the Afghan Ski Challenge in Afghanistan. And by just got back, I mean I literally still smell like the plane, despite two showers. [Ed Note: WTF is up with me and skiing this year? you’d think I’d actually know how to strap on a pair of skis by myself now and get down a green slope without biting it like 15 times… which I don’t… or, you know, be super sporty… which, for a woman who’s life motto has always been the Lemonheads song, “I Lied About Being the Outdoor Type,” is mildly hilarious].

But despite the altitude, the three foot snow drifts and the mandated physical activity, I managed to find the bright side. After the jump, I present to you the YUMMs (Young Urban Mountain Men) who thank fully congregated in Bamiyan for your viewing pleasure:

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More Fun Facts I Learned While Traversing The World (Part 2)

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Proof that I really am a unicorn as, let's be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

Proof that I really am a unicorn, as, let’s be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

More Truths From Around The World, courtesy of yours truly. The Unicorn of Truth Tellers. Heh.

  • In Mali, a muslim country, a woman can bathe by the side of the road in the river topless, but will NEVER show her legs above the ankle. It’s just not done.
  • Communists have a seriously underdeveloped sense of humor. At least in public.
  • For women: If you are looking for a hunky, manly man the place to go is BIAP (Baghdad International Airport), which is full of horny, female-starved Western contractors in the best physical condition of their life. And they will buy coffee.
  • Do NOT go to Africa if you are an albino. You will be sacrificed and possibly eaten.
  • The only times I’ve ever had food poisoning in a third world country was when I ate at five star hotels. Street meat = A ok in my book.
  • Be Careful of the chili in Cincinnati, Ohio. Your stomach may not be able to handle it.
  • What happens when you out-karaoke a North Korean?  I did it once – not pretty! It’s best not to do it Especially if you are in North Korea.
  • Communist regimes – or any dictatorial regime feeling threatened – do not like Facebook or Twitter. So much so, it is almost impossible to log in to those, or any other widely used social site, while in the confines of their borders. Just in case, you know, someone wants to start a revolution.
  • The Mandarin word for “shoe” is the same for “vagina” – so be careful when you say you want to go shoe shopping.
  •  In India, if two dudes are walking down the street holding hands, it means they’re friends NOT lovers.
  • In Japan, women let men get in the elevator first. I KNOW! SO ANNOYING!
  • Despite immense dental care advances throughout the world, the English still have really bad teeth, hence the “British Book Of Smiles”.
  • In England, a “fag” is a cigarette, not a nasty term for a homosexual.
  • Despite any and all stereotypes, most people in every country I have ever been to are really, really lovely. If just give them the chance.
  • NEVER shake hands with your left hand, pretty much anywhere. Especially in India. If someone offers to shake your hand with their left, they are insulting you.

What are some truths you’ve learned? I’d love to add them to my list… and put them in a large soon to be downloadable Book Of Truths (with illustrations!)

Forget Sochi: Have Your Own Private Olympics (with Video!)

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Photo courtesy of Atos.

Photo courtesy of Atos International.

There’s so many reasons not to bother with the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia this year.  Let’s count them, shall we?

1. The virulent anti-homophobia that has gripped Russia courtesy of Vladimir Putin (despite the most watched winter sports being dominated by the gays. I’m not here to out anyone but if a dude has custom ice skates on and and a matching lycra outfit, there’s a pretty safe bet to be placed that he won’t be sidling up to any Playboy parties anytime soon).

2. THERE’S NO HOTEL ROOMS – even for the people (media) who let Russian officials know they’d be coming, oh, A YEAR ago. From USA Today:

A stray dog inside the hotel, building dust everywhere and debris scattered all around. That’s what some Olympic-accredited visitors have found on arrival in the mountains above Sochi.According to the Sochi Olympic organizing committee, only six of the nine media hotels in the mountain area are fully operational. The accommodation for athletes, however, has not been affected by the problems.

3. This lady and all her bomb-happy pals – there are apparently, more than five – who are really, really angry at Putin and have threatened to blow some (read: any) shizz up. Oh yeah – and she made it through security.

Run if you see this woman.

4. And let’s not forget the fact that NBC, in an attempt to corral ad dollars into prime time, doesn’t like to run the Olympics live, so by the time you watch the main events they are already on the interwebs and the events the network deems unworthy (like mine and Putins favorite, rhythmic gymnastics) they don’t bother to show at all.

So, my duckies, I present an alternative for you – Chile. In August, all the Olympics skiers train their butts off at Valle Nevado (home of the aforementioned Man Stew) and Portillo ski resorts. Where you can watch Olympians do their things without crowds or bombers… and then party with them later that night.

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The Hottest Party In Baghdad [Read: I’m Too Hungover To Post Words Today. Don’t Judge. The Superbowl’s In Town]

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It’s one of those days (don’t judge – the Superbowl has come to NYC and I’m off to the Miami Heat/NYC New York Knicks game tonight).

The Italian troops partying at the Italian embassy in Baghdad.

The Italian troops partying at the Italian embassy in Baghdad.

So. yeah. There’s no partying per se in Baghdad (except for that one club, but that’s a story for another time). So what’s an expat gonna do when he/she just needs to let off some steam?
The best time in Baghdad is found at the Italian embassy – which every Friday and Saturday used to (and presumably still does because really, not much has changed) host parties in the back yard which consisted of booze, bars and a bunch of Italian paratrooopers busting their shirts off and getting on the bar to shake their stuff. I think the “HOLY CRAP IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!” look on the blonde lady’s face says it all. And, just because I really love you all, after the jump, the rear view:

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Deep Thoughts: The NYC Metropolitan Opera

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I love a diva

Every now and then my pal Gus lets me play dress up and invites me to his amazing Parterre level box at the Metropolitan Opera. Inevitably, I almost always say yes (except for the night after my birthday as it was the night after my birthday and I was too busy self-medicating to get off my couch to take a shower). I leave feeling cultured and superior (to my alter ego, Rhonda who was mentally at home watching Country Music Television and stuffing her face with cheese fries). Last night, while seeing La Boheme, it struck me why The Opera is so addicting.

Behold, a scientific list: Continue reading →