Category Archives: Where the Crazy Is

Spa Castle: Little Korea in Queens

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Anyone who knows me knows I love glamour. And nothing says sheer eleganza like Spa Castle in Queens, New York.  I mean, come on  – who doesn’t love a good, old fashioned, Korean scrub n soak in a Persian palace? Spa Castle offers things like “Chocolate Mud Wraps” (the mind boggles); Private “royal” body scrubs; and in “Sauna Valley” you’ll find Ice rooms and infrared saunas where “Each room, equally ornate in structure and design, offers specific healing affects through the combination of the infrared rays converted to heat with the natural essence of the room itself. The lining of each room is made from natural and authentic components, each organically beneficial to the body.” No, they are not kidding – sign me up!

Check out the sheer elegance after the jump:

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You Know What Would’ve Been Really Cool? If There’d Been a Miss Universe Contest Circa 1782

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Oh Heeeyyyyyyyyy….

Throughout history, women have always had things done to them to make them “beautiful.” Nowadays,  we pluck, wax, shave, inject, and silicon bag ourselves all so we can be pretty. But the saddest part is, due to globalisation, everyone kind of looks the same.

When traveling and visiting historical sites or archaeological digs, you quickly start to realize that that chick to the left in the  Santa suit would’ve been passed over by pretty much every guy on the planet a few hundred years ago. Back in the day, before airplanes and all that, beauty was pretty subjective and every region had it’s own idea of what was hot. Most of which we’d find pretty hideously fascinating today.

Take for example the Mayans. Now they used to think women with flat foreheads, crossed eyes and razor sharp, piranha like teeth were the shizznit. So, according to my guide in Chichicastenanga (Guatemala), when Mayan girls were very young, boards would be tied to their heads with a bead hanging from it (so the eyes would be trained to cross) and their teeth were filed to sharp points to look like Jaws. Don’t even get me started on what their talent would be… I have no clue. But the imagination boggles – biting through trees? Severing chicken heads? Pillaging neighboring Incan villages?

Hello, gorgeous…

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The Trek Through The Cocaine Hills To La Ciudad Perdida: Bugs, Mud And A Sharting Mule

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The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

The view from the top. It was hell getting there.

While I do love traveling alone – sometimes you have to join a small group of randoms you don’t know. Which I actually find fun – you learn how to deal with other people, how to behave yourself and hear some really funny things. I joined a group in Colombia when I decided to do the trek to La Ciudad Perdida – an archaeological site of an ancient city in Sierra Nevada, Colombia. It is believed to have been founded about 800 AD, some 650 years earlier than Machu Picchu. Ciudad Perdida consists of a series of 169 terraces carved into the mountainside, a net of tiled roads and several small circular plazas. The entrance can only be accessed by a climb up some 1,200 stone steps through dense jungle. And the entrance can only be accessed by a three day hike up 90 degree sloped jungled hills across rivers, over two inch ledges and some seriously shaky slat bridges. But there was the promise of an added bonus: A Real Live Cocaine Factory. (Note: I do not do drugs, but I do do effed up experiences like checking out how these things worked).

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Deep Thoughts: Things I REALLY Need But Almost Always Forget To Pack

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So much stuff, yet so much missing...

So much stuff, yet so much missing…

I’m about to head off on another fun filled, f-cked up trip and am packing. (No, I can’t say where yet, but it’s one of the places on my 2014 Bucket List – I’ll tell you when I get back). And it struck me – there’s always SOMETHING I forget to bring… something that I realize I’ve left when it’s too late to do anything about it. So, for my edification, I’ve created the ultimate list of Shizz I Always Forget.

1.Tweezer. Fun fact: In another life, I could’ve been the bearded lady in any decent carnival. If I don’t tweeze my eyebrows and chin on a regular basis I turn truly Yeti-like. And what’s with getting older and realizing you all of a sudden have chin hair? You should have seen me when I returned from 3.5 weeks down the River Niger. I looked like this:

This is what I look like after three weeks without a tweezer.

Photo courtesy of Nadia Robot. 

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Guate-Hollah! Part 1

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Black sand beaches - so pretty, yet so sinister...

Black sand beaches – so pretty, yet so sinister…

 

GUATEMALA — a tropical, picturesque, adventure-filled destination — is what Costa Rica used to be. As in Cheap. Because the tourist hordes haven’t discovered it yet, Guatemala remains affordable. The Central American country, bordering southern Mexico, is still a spot where $100 can get budget-minded travelers their own bungalow and all meals for a day, with money left over for a turtle race (yes, a turtle race – and no, while some were molested, none had their throats slit).

At least all this is true in Monterrico – a town famous for its never-ending volcanic black-sand beaches, azure blue waters and a relaxed atmosphere. After the jump, molested turtles, six year olds driving four wheelers, Hulk Hogan’s illegitimate brother, and a seriously hungover Barbie:

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Deep Thoughts: “Jumping For Virility” Starring The Germans And The Samburu Warriors (With Video)

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Germany’s Natalie Geisenberger (5thL), Felix Loch (6thL),Tobias Arlt (6th R) and Tobias Wendt (5th R) leap on the podium celebrating their first place in the luge team relay competition between second-placed Russia and third-placed Latvia teams at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics

Germans love to jump. They will jump in groups (above). They will jump solo (below).

Felix Loch of Germany jumps onto the podium after he won the gold medal during the men’s singles luge final at the 2014

And they will also travel specifically to get pictures of themselves jumping. Like Tobias – a 31 year old  German computer engineer who liked to travel to “dangerous places and take pictures of myself jumping on famous things!”

I met Tobias when I went to Iraq – he was part of a motley crew of people who all decided to vacation in a semi-war zone. More on Tobias the jumper and my theory on Germans vs. The Samburu Warriors after the jump:

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More Fun Facts I Learned While Traversing The World (Part 2)

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Proof that I really am a unicorn as, let's be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

Proof that I really am a unicorn, as, let’s be honest, only unicorns have rainbows emanating from their asses. (Truth number 1: It is really hard to get proof of unicornness. It can really only be done in Iguazu Falls, Brazil).

More Truths From Around The World, courtesy of yours truly. The Unicorn of Truth Tellers. Heh.

  • In Mali, a muslim country, a woman can bathe by the side of the road in the river topless, but will NEVER show her legs above the ankle. It’s just not done.
  • Communists have a seriously underdeveloped sense of humor. At least in public.
  • For women: If you are looking for a hunky, manly man the place to go is BIAP (Baghdad International Airport), which is full of horny, female-starved Western contractors in the best physical condition of their life. And they will buy coffee.
  • Do NOT go to Africa if you are an albino. You will be sacrificed and possibly eaten.
  • The only times I’ve ever had food poisoning in a third world country was when I ate at five star hotels. Street meat = A ok in my book.
  • Be Careful of the chili in Cincinnati, Ohio. Your stomach may not be able to handle it.
  • What happens when you out-karaoke a North Korean?  I did it once – not pretty! It’s best not to do it Especially if you are in North Korea.
  • Communist regimes – or any dictatorial regime feeling threatened – do not like Facebook or Twitter. So much so, it is almost impossible to log in to those, or any other widely used social site, while in the confines of their borders. Just in case, you know, someone wants to start a revolution.
  • The Mandarin word for “shoe” is the same for “vagina” – so be careful when you say you want to go shoe shopping.
  •  In India, if two dudes are walking down the street holding hands, it means they’re friends NOT lovers.
  • In Japan, women let men get in the elevator first. I KNOW! SO ANNOYING!
  • Despite immense dental care advances throughout the world, the English still have really bad teeth, hence the “British Book Of Smiles”.
  • In England, a “fag” is a cigarette, not a nasty term for a homosexual.
  • Despite any and all stereotypes, most people in every country I have ever been to are really, really lovely. If just give them the chance.
  • NEVER shake hands with your left hand, pretty much anywhere. Especially in India. If someone offers to shake your hand with their left, they are insulting you.

What are some truths you’ve learned? I’d love to add them to my list… and put them in a large soon to be downloadable Book Of Truths (with illustrations!)

Fun Facts I Learned While Traveling In Weird Places (Part 1)

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Pondering the Rules of Life

Pondering the Rules of Life

You pick up some random information  when you travel the world – especially when you end up in weird situations like I have. You start mentally collecting a set of observations  that you come to expect as you unwittingly form your own stereotypes.  A series of truths that are almost  as true as “Don’t Drink the Tap Water.”

So, I present to you the first installment of FUN FACTS:

  • While Somali pirates may have money but they have a seriously stymied sense of style. You can spot a pirate in a Nairobi club a mile away by his checkered pants and Michael Jackson shirt.
  • Germans are really not as cool as you think they are. And no one really thinks Germans are cool (except for maybe Austrians)… But I still like to party with them.
  • People from New Zealand are really strange. Awesome, but strange.
  • You can almost always tell what country most tourists are from by looking at them from the knees down (hint: Japanese women will always wear heels. Even in the mud; Americans love white socks and Tevos, Germans love Birkenstocks and black socks; Koreans are really into nude hose and Australians often have dirty feet which are, for some reason, usually bare).
  • No matter how low the GDP of a country you are in, you will always find someone living REALLY WELL – like at the 5 star Hotel Karibe in Haiti (which was open two days after the big earthquake), The Sheiks in Iraq (who bring Persian Glamour to a whole ‘nother level) , a mid-level government minister’s mansion in Kenya, or the summer homes of the sons/daughters of the government just outside of Bamako.
  • The right wing Muslims, Jews and Christians are all insanely similar – especially when it comes to their “protection” of women. But don’t tell them that – they’ll kill you. Literally.

More tomorrow!

Ladies: Thank God Every Day You Weren’t Born A Woman In Mali

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The discarded women of Mali live behind these walls. Photo from Family Care International.

I have mixed feeling towards Mali. I loved my time there and would go back in a heart beat… but. and it’s a big BUT. It’s one of the few countries in the world where female genital mutilation is still widely practiced and is legal. Many countries at least pay lip service and outlaw the practice on the books (it is performed anyway). But at least if it is technically illegal – it can be prosecuted AND when a government publicly proclaims something to be illegal, it is the first step in the permanent eradication against FGM. If FGM is still legal, there is not even a toe hold for the battle to begin.

On my three and a half week journey up the Niger River, we stopped at a small village, miles from any road and days from a major city. A woman who looked to be about 50 [she was 31] came up to me crying, begging and pleading. My interpreter said, “She wants to know if you have medicine. She is sick.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“All women out here have the female cut when they are young. When they get married and have children, there are problems. She is in a lot of pain. If something doesn’t happen she will be turned out.”

TURNED OUT. As in – you are no good to your husband anymore so get the hell out. The “lucky” ones end up at the Fistule hospital in Mopti, where the women and some of their children have a roof over their head and access to food. The unlucky ones just disappear.

This shop next to the Fistule home is how the women make money to eat. Photo from the Catholic Relief Services.

The hospital – which is really more of a “retirement home” for women past their prime (read: anyone who has had complications due to an unsanitary and brutal cut)  is a few blocks from the port of Mopti and the courtyard is full of discarded women and their children. Next to the mud walled courtyard is a small metal shop which sells jewelry and trinkets made by the women in an attempt to get money to eat and pay their rent at the home (because yeah – it ain’t free).

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Are Americans Really The Worst? Five Other Countries Whose Tourists Make Us Look Good

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We’ve all heard it before. The “Ugly American”; The clueless dingdong who travels other countries doing the following: talking too loud; complaining about everything – especially cigarette smoke and the lack of a decaffeinated coffee; traveling with their own peanut butter to live on lest the local food poison them; wearing funny looking clothes; ignoring the personal space of anyone around them.

Now, in all honesty, some of these stereotypes are true. Take Daddy for example. My old man has a strict summer uniform of ecru Rockport Walkers, long white knee socks, tan pressed khaki short, belted at the waist, a short sleeve button down/golf shirt with a pen in the neck, sunglasses and a sweatband or fishing hat.

IMG_1851

Daddy also has an endearing habit of going to European countries and talking “local like” – for example in Italy, a typical sentence would be, “Excuse-ay me-o, where-o can i get-o some damned pizza?” Or randomly saying things like, “Mamma Mia!” “Mangia, mangia!”

But he means well. He doesn’t complain. Much. There was that time in Italy where, while watching a pigeon defecate down the face of a statue of Mary. “Look at that!” he said. “That damned pigeon just taking a crap all over Mary’s face! Now if these damned Eye-talians had honored my good old American gun permit, I could’ve brought my Walther PPK over here and shot that heretic and we’d be having what they call squab-o for dinner! But nope – over here law abiding citizens can’t own their own damned guns. So the pigeons can just dump anywhere.”

No, my friends, after traveling the world, I have decided we Americans get a bad rap. Especially as there are other countries that deserve so much more vitriol! Find out which ones after the jump:

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