Zebra, Crocodile and Antelope Oh My! I Ate it All at Carnivore, the Meat Lover’s Paradise

Where: Carnivore restaurant, Misty Hills Country Hotel, Conference Centre and Spa in Muldersdrift, Johannesburg. (There is also a location in Nairobi, Kenya.)

What: Carnivore, which prides itself on giving tourists the ultimate authenticity in African experiences, is the meat eater’s Epcot Center. You get to sample meats from across the African terrain, all with over-the-top pomp and circumstance: At least three times a night, the servers and other staff members beat drums and sing and dance across the dining area (which, in keeping with the theme, has zebra-patterned nylon seats). And the waiters will keep feeding you until you’ve stuffed yourself so much that you literally throw in the flag (there’s one on the table for that purpose) to signal that you’re finished.

What to eat: The restaurant serves a variety of game and domestic meats, skewered on what they say are swords Masai-tribe swords. Crocodile oddly tastes like fish. We’re talking fishy fish. And zebra? Stick some slices on rye with a little bit of horseradish mayo, and that would make a mighty fine sandwich. Ostrich is a red meat that tastes like venison. (In the Nairobi location, you can also eat ox testicles, which are weirdly pasty. Just hang on to your gag reflex.) There are veggie and fish options for those who aren’t game (pun intended). Your meaty meal also comes with soup, salad, sides, and dessert.

Happy Halloween and Welcome to my Scary Love Life Which Sucks So Bad I Went To a South African Muthi (Voodoo) Master

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may remember the saga of Hickey Man – the hot dude who showed up to our second date with a hickey (note: it was not from me. Also note: He was 44. Waaaaay past the acceptable age of hickies) – and then proceeded to say things like “It’s so weird. I’m usually attracted to fat women, but you… you, I’m attracted to your brain!” or “It sucks I’m so tired because I was really planning on having sex with you tonight.” Well. I’ve had it with Tinder, Hinge, Match, etc. and I decided to go to the magical. Because at this point, i’ve given up! Meet Thabo, the Muthi Master who says my dude is coming. Note: I’m still waiting. For the full story, click here!