My 2014 Bucket List

 

Lake in MongoliaNo, I haven’t been everywhere… and some places I don’t go to because I’m a conscientious objector (Zimbabwe and Uganda, anyone?)… but I can still dream. And plan. Because dictators, xenophobia, and me being broke wont last forever! Besides – what better way to spend a slow, freezing Saturday than to dream about unending travel possibilities? That, and I think there’s something really good about writing down your dreams. It makes them come true faster. I swear.  And so, I present to you my dream list of places to go (and why).

1. Mongolia (above): there is just something so poetically lonely in this landscape… It sounds lame to say, but it calls to me. And I’ve always wanted to see the famous wild horse races…

2. The Tsukiji Fish Market, Tokyo: Ok, fine – Tokyo too. And Kyoto. But, as I’ve mentioned before, I cant scuba dive… and I have a thing for fish markets. And this one is supposed to be the best in the world. Besides, who doesn’t love Toro right out of the ocean at 3 am?

yummy

yummy

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10 Reasons Why You Should Go To Egypt RIGHT NOW

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The Egyptian economy might be in the dumps and the political situation fairly unstable but the US government just relaxed the travel warnings against it and Egypt is the best deal going right now. I just got back and had the TIME OF MY LIFE. I swear. After the jump I present the top ten reasons (and deals!) why you should book your trip to Egypt NOW:

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Lost In Translation: The Best of The Worst Signs In The World

Warning: you may lose your head on the train to Morretes, Brazil.

Warning: you may lose your head on the train to Morretes, Brazil.

You have no idea how many times I’ve walked through a random street in some random section of the world and tried to figure out just what the local government is trying to tell me.

Don’t take a picture of rats? [Fine].

Don’t stick your head in the fire? [Yep. Figured that out].

Wild Monkeys may eat my hat? [I didn’t really like it much anyway].

Don’t feed the volcano? [Considering volcanoes historically only eat virgins, I don’t qualify].

You learn so much about a place from its signs. Mali has an AIDS problem; Colombia is more concerned with drugs;  Egypt apparently has a huge sex trafficking issue… and everyone is concerned with where and how you poop.

So, for your viewing pleasure, after the jump I offer some of the best signs I’ve found all over the world…

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Meet Penny: The Hedgehog Snatched From the Bowels Of the Bamako Death Market

Penny, the hedgehog I saved from the Death Market

Penny, the hedgehog snatched from the bowels of the Bamako Death Market

Fun fact: People in the West African country of Mali will say, “The country is 80 percent Muslim, 20 percent Christian but 100 percent Animist.” Which means that everyone carries amulets, “passports” (leather pouches) and rings that are all full of magical potions created by a witch doctor… and that are made with all sorts of animals parts. Which also explains why Mali has almost no wildlife to mention, as every animal has been hunted to the point of extinction (Which is awful, except for the times you are forced to camp on the side of the Niger River in No Man’s Land and have to get up to pee at night. The absence of crocodiles comes in handy then, and only then). The dearth of crocodiles in Bamako is even more ironic as “Bamako” is taken from a Bambara word meaning “Crocodile River”… not so much anymore, just saying.

A stall in the Death Market

A stall in the Death Market

The main Witchdoctor (aka Death) Market is in the capital, Bamako, where you can find every animal that roam(ed) the country in a state of decay. There are hippos, hyenas, snakes, birds, dogs, lions… and hedgehogs. All waiting to be ground up into powder, blessed and put into a pouch so the wearer can traverse the Sahara or the Niger safely. For $2 you can videotape the stalls and take pictures – all while trying not to gag on the smell which is… potent, to say the least.

So there I was, in the Middle of the Death Market, when a vendor pointed out a ball of bristles. It was a tiny hedgehog-y ball of life in a sea of death. It freaked me out – I mean come on, can you imagine being stuck in a pile of rotting corpses just waiting for your turn? UGH. So I started haggling and walked away with Penny, the hedgehog, who was a little expensive, but how often can you save a life for $20?

The full story, WITH VIDEO of the rescue and release, after the jump!

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Deep Thoughts: How To Travel Anywhere And Not Get Killed or Maimed.

I love a bodyguard

Yes, I know how to work that.

I’ve been known to travel to  places that some people [ed note: 99 percent] think are dodgy. I went to Iraq in 2011, was at the Essakane Music Festival outside of Timbuktu in 2013 (in my defense, Bono was there too), and hung out with a few “former” cocaine dealers in Colombia.

At this point my family has given up. Daddy (a right-wing, born again Tea Partier), now just shrugs and says, “God Bless and Hallelujah – I’ll call the prayer group.” Mom (a left-wing liberal Jew) just says, “Ah shit. Fine. Whatever.”
Over the years, I have developed a system that works for me in almost every country. Oddly enough, I’ve found people should be even more vigilant in “normal” places, because your guard is down – you just expect everything to be super fine and fun and cool – whereas in say, Cairo or Kirkuk, you are vigilant.
So, I present a by-no-means-cohesive list of How To Stay Safe. Or Alternatively, Paula Froelich’s Paranoid Guide To Travel.