Someone is confused… “What do you Mean-o You-o Don’t-o Get-o My EYEtalian???? It’s Goddamn perfect-o!”
Last April, pigs flew. I boarded a cruise ship with my 74-year-old father. Let me rephrase that: I, who am terrified of boats and get seasick at the sight of water, went on an eight-day excursion from Barcelona to Monaco with a born-again, gun-collecting Tea Partier who [despite getting his uvula removed] snores like a drunken sow. And we shared a room.
[Ed Note: Seriously, do you know how many people die on cruises? The 2011 Costa Concordia disaster aside, every year during cruise season there’s like a story once a week about someone “accidentally” or drunkenly falling overboard – and don’t even get me started on the Norovirus… or the suicide rate of someone who has sat through one too many floorshows].
But then I was offered a cabin with a balcony (so I could always jump if need be) on the Azamara Cruise from Barcelona to Monaco. And before the Ambien I’d taken the night before could wear off, I was on the phone asking Daddy to go with me. When she found out, my older sister said what everyone else was thinking: “Have you lost your damn mind?”
BUT. Not only did the experience change our relationship for the better, we now have plans to do it once a year. And so, because I now think everyone should bond with their parents on a trip, I offer you some tips for how to travel with a parent:
1. Take a cruise – it’s all inclusive, cuts down on stress of where to stay/hang your clothes, has free booze (see number two), and fun fact: geriatrics LOVE cruises! I don’t get it either, but I think when you turn 70, some switch goes off in your brain and you become a sea farer.
Boarding the boat.
2. Drink liberally.
Daddy got so excited when he found out the cruise served free booze he immediately ordered two Pina Coladas [“Hell, I never had one of those before!”] before dumping them for his regular scotch [“Nasty. Just nasty”].
3. Eat well. Preferably off the boat and away from sneeze guards.
Daddy at my favorite eatery in Barcelona – the Pinotxo Bar in La Boqueria.
4. If sharing a room – split the beds and GET SOME EARPLUGS TO BLOCK OUT THE CACOPHONOUS SNORING. The supersonic kind. Sleeping pills always help as well. You can’t hear what you don’t remember.
We split this bed into two separate twins on either side of the wall. But it still only left two feet between me and his snores…
5. Get off the boat as much as possible during the day and take advantage of every single tour.
On the bus!
6. Make sure everyone is properly dressed for the excursion…
Ready to rock another day of touring.
7. Spend some alone time in scenic places for pictures to remember (Daddy loves to reminisce – even if it was about yesterday. It makes him happy).
I mean – look at that smile!
8. Stay by their side – Daddy kept tripping over those darned European cobblestone streets, but it made him feel a heck of a lot better when I was there to catch him.
Cobblestone streets are killer in Rockport Walkers.
8. Partake in all activities, especially ones that involve drinking and quaint little towns.
Daddy got confused by the concept of wine “tasting”… which, he interpreted as “guzzling”…
The intrepid travelers.
9. Come to appreciate and love the Power of a Nap.
The trip wore Daddy out…
Im with my parents right now abroad, theyre sweet n all but traveling with them is just torture for me, and theres no balcony here just small windows that barely fit a mouse. Nice post though i stumbled on it googling my current misery lol
h man – i feel for you.. if theres no balcony – then get outside as much as possible.. take a walk. sit on a roof. anything! but also remember to enjoy your time with your parents… even if they drive you nutty