Ever wonder why you never see any celebrities, politicians or mega-businessmen at the airport? It’s not because they fly private; that’s just not cost-effective. If they fly United, it’s because they are members of the ultimate elite flying club: United Global Services.

In this day and age, airlines are at war with one another to keep customers, especially high-end, loyal customers who spend significant amounts of money. Millions are being allocated for cabin renovations, lounges, and other perks, and United has started its Global Service Program, which promises to do almost anything for its members.

On my way to Mongolia, I was offered the chance to check the service out for myself. So I decided to try and be as Mick Jagger obnoxious as I could be and asked for things like a card made of bacon for my dog Karl, who was furious I was once again leaving him.

“No problem. We will see what we can do.”

Or how about a bag of just green M&Ms?

“That is no problem.”

Not kidding. They were willing to do anything.

Karl asking, “Where is my bacon, Mother?” 

I was then sent to the front of the security line, whisked through, and taken to the lounge, where I was presented with a bottle of champagne. In order to avoid the crowds that come with trying to get from one end of the airport to the next, I was ushered onto the tarmac, put into a Mercedes SUV, and driven to my plane. I boarded early, and by the time everyone else started to board, I was tucked in with a drink and a movie waiting for my Xanax to kick in.

On the tarmac, getting ready to board.

It was heaven. But now I’m basically screwed as let’s be honest – when the hell is this ever gonna happen again? It’s like is it really better to have lost in love than to have never loved at all? Is it really worth knowing how the gazillionaires fly only to have to sit in coach for the rest of your life? I’m having an existential crisis. #Facepalm.